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Themeless Writing

Because I don't have a clue either

Suspicious Activity

Credit Card Rep: Hello.  I’m calling because we noticed some suspicious activity on your card recently.
Me: Oh no! What happened? Did someone steal my identity?
Rep: Someone purchased 72 pens online with your card.
Me: Oh. Uh…is that unusual?
Rep: It’s very strange. What kind of nut-job would buy 72 pens? What would anyone normal do with that many pens? Continue reading “Suspicious Activity”

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Australia: The One Not in Europe

I’d like to talk extensively about Australia.

Why?

Because.

Let’s begin! Continue reading “Australia: The One Not in Europe”

You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger

I’ve decided to go walking on all of the nature trails in my general area.

solar-system
My general area.

If you’re thinking that doesn’t sound like me given my strained relationship with nature (i.e. it always poops on me and I absolutely refuse to poop on it, which is why the closest I’ve ever been to camping is that time I locked myself out of my car in the grocery store parking lot Continue reading “You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger”

Don’t Open Your Pantry

Some time last year I claimed that there was an impending vegetable-induced apocalypse (or “vegapocalypse” as it would have been called if any media outlets had responded to my phone calls).

This obviously did not come to pass.  At least not that I have noticed.

Then again, I don’t get out much. Continue reading “Don’t Open Your Pantry”

Services Not Rendered

Last Wednesday, I decided to go see Dr. Strange at the cheap movie theater. When unemployed or, worse, employed as a self-published author, it’s important to be thrifty. By waiting until a movie has been out a while, you can get a movie ticket for as little as $2, which makes you feel better about spending $25 on a “small” soda Continue reading “Services Not Rendered”

First One’s Free

To quote the semi-immortal Shakespeare (because let’s face it, I’m pretty sure he’s dead): “Oops, I did it again.  I published a second book and you can buy it from Amazon HERE.  Oh, baby, baby.”

Now, to fill the time while you wait for it to arrive, here’s a blog post: Continue reading “First One’s Free”

Driving and Other Risky Behaviors

I had to drive on the highway to hand deliver a Christmas gift to a friend I have this year.

That is a big deal for me.

Who knew I had friends?

Driving on the highway is always a big deal for me, too, because I, unlike most highway drivers, do not want to die. Continue reading “Driving and Other Risky Behaviors”

Free Article, Just Pay Shipping and Handling

Advertising: it’s vital to the human condition. It’s what distinguishes us from animals.  Have you ever seen an otter try to sell laxatives to a panda bear? I didn’t think so.

But would you like to? Because for just $19.95…well, we can discuss that later. Continue reading “Free Article, Just Pay Shipping and Handling”

Ladies and Germs

I have the flu.

All of it.

Every flu germ ever in existence thus far is currently residing in my body. Flu germs that have long since retired have rejoined the workforce just to make me miserable.

This is particularly weird because I never get sick. I’m always either healthy or in a state of denial. Continue reading “Ladies and Germs”

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