Themeless Writing

Because I don't have a clue either

Decorative Squash

With the whole internet buzzing about the new Star Wars trailer, I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk about squash.

I recently spent 5 days at my sister’s house.  That’s never a good idea.  My sister is a mechanical engineer.  I am a liberal arts major.  I know just enough science to know that mixing matter and anti-matter like that could make the universe explode.  But I’m careful, so usually it just makes her brain explode.

Case in point:  My sister had two orange squash on her dining room table.

Obviously, you can see where this is going.

You can’t?  Well, that’s okay.  Neither did she. Continue reading “Decorative Squash”

Dentally Speaking

There are exceptions to every rule.  Including that one.

Here are some examples of other rules that have exceptions:

  •             Cheaters never prosper.
  •             All babies are adorable.
  •             You should never lie to your doctor.
  •             Don’t get revenge on your ex-boyfriend by filling his car with pudding.

Continue reading “Dentally Speaking”

Strange Offer

I just got the weirdest thing in the mail.

I don’t remember even ordering an accordion, let alone…whatever that is.

Also, I got a credit card offer.  That was unusual, too.

Now, you may not think a credit card offer is unusual.  You may get them all the time.  You, with your fancy job that requires you to actually leave your house (exposing yourself to dangerous things like UV rays and human interaction) Continue reading “Strange Offer”

Changes to the Status Quo

I know what you’re thinking: “When you didn’t post anything for months, even about your dog, we assumed you were dead.”

And yet none of you sent flowers to my widow.  Tacky.

Not that I’m married.

Or dead.

Or like flowers.

But it’s the thought of an unliked gift to a non-existant spouse of someone you mistakenly thought was deceased that counts. Continue reading “Changes to the Status Quo”

Suspicious Activity

Credit Card Rep: Hello.  I’m calling because we noticed some suspicious activity on your card recently.
Me: Oh no! What happened? Did someone steal my identity?
Rep: Someone purchased 72 pens online with your card.
Me: Oh. Uh…is that unusual?
Rep: It’s very strange. What kind of nut-job would buy 72 pens? What would anyone normal do with that many pens? Continue reading “Suspicious Activity”

Australia: The One Not in Europe

I’d like to talk extensively about Australia.



Let’s begin! Continue reading “Australia: The One Not in Europe”

You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger

I’ve decided to go walking on all of the nature trails in my general area.

My general area.

If you’re thinking that doesn’t sound like me given my strained relationship with nature (i.e. it always poops on me and I absolutely refuse to poop on it, which is why the closest I’ve ever been to camping is that time I locked myself out of my car in the grocery store parking lot Continue reading “You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger”

Don’t Open Your Pantry

Some time last year I claimed that there was an impending vegetable-induced apocalypse (or “vegapocalypse” as it would have been called if any media outlets had responded to my phone calls).

This obviously did not come to pass.  At least not that I have noticed.

Then again, I don’t get out much. Continue reading “Don’t Open Your Pantry”

Services Not Rendered

Last Wednesday, I decided to go see Dr. Strange at the cheap movie theater. When unemployed or, worse, employed as a self-published author, it’s important to be thrifty. By waiting until a movie has been out a while, you can get a movie ticket for as little as $2, which makes you feel better about spending $25 on a “small” soda Continue reading “Services Not Rendered”

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