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Themeless Writing

Because I don't have a clue either

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I Read the Warranty and My Life Will Never Be the Same

I think when you find yourself reading a full, legal warranty, it’s safe to say you’ve got too much time on your hands.

On the other hand, I discovered that warranties can make for a thrilling read, full of unexpected twists and turns.  For example, the one I was reading was a store add-on warranty for furniture purchases.

On the surface it may sound dull.  However, included early-on in the coverage explanation was this sentence:

            “Complete stain coverage for stains including (but not limited to): Food, beverage, and/or human bodily fluids.”

They had my full and undivided attention at that point. Continue reading “I Read the Warranty and My Life Will Never Be the Same”

The Dark Side of Death by Mango

For those of you who don’t recall last week’s post, let me re-set the scene:

Many, many years ago in February, before the Caronapocalypse, I was at my friends’ very grown-up dinner party.  While eating a mango as a “dessert” (I don’t get it either), I suddenly realized that I might be allergic to mango as my throat began to burn and tingle. Continue reading “The Dark Side of Death by Mango”

The Mango-cidal Dinner Party

Prologue:

I was going through some old writing and I stumbled upon this gem.  It’s crazy to look back and see how different I was and how different the world was.  This is from almost a month ago.  It’s called: “The Complete Guide to Dying Politely While at a Dinner Party.”  I promise it has nothing to do with corona virus. Continue reading “The Mango-cidal Dinner Party”

Attack of the Babies!

Many, many years ago in my writing career, I wrote an article for a mommy-blog.   Why?  I don’t really remember why.  I must have had a reason.  More than likely that reason was too much free time.

Anyway, the mommy-blog that originally posted my article is no longer in operation.  I now suspect this particular mommy-blog, like most mommy-blogs today, was really a front for some sort of illegal, international, sheep-cloning syndicate. Continue reading “Attack of the Babies!”

Strange Offer

I just got the weirdest thing in the mail.

I don’t remember even ordering an accordion, let alone…whatever that is.

Also, I got a credit card offer.  That was unusual, too.

Now, you may not think a credit card offer is unusual.  You may get them all the time.  You, with your fancy job that requires you to actually leave your house (exposing yourself to dangerous things like UV rays and human interaction) Continue reading “Strange Offer”

Changes to the Status Quo

I know what you’re thinking: “When you didn’t post anything for months, even about your dog, we assumed you were dead.”

And yet none of you sent flowers to my widow.  Tacky.

Not that I’m married.

Or dead.

Or like flowers.

But it’s the thought of an unliked gift to a non-existant spouse of someone you mistakenly thought was deceased that counts. Continue reading “Changes to the Status Quo”

Suspicious Activity

Credit Card Rep: Hello.  I’m calling because we noticed some suspicious activity on your card recently.
Me: Oh no! What happened? Did someone steal my identity?
Rep: Someone purchased 72 pens online with your card.
Me: Oh. Uh…is that unusual?
Rep: It’s very strange. What kind of nut-job would buy 72 pens? What would anyone normal do with that many pens? Continue reading “Suspicious Activity”

Australia: The One Not in Europe

I’d like to talk extensively about Australia.

Why?

Because.

Let’s begin! Continue reading “Australia: The One Not in Europe”

You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger

I’ve decided to go walking on all of the nature trails in my general area.

solar-system
My general area.

If you’re thinking that doesn’t sound like me given my strained relationship with nature (i.e. it always poops on me and I absolutely refuse to poop on it, which is why the closest I’ve ever been to camping is that time I locked myself out of my car in the grocery store parking lot Continue reading “You Can’t Spell “Nature” Without Some of the Sounds from Danger”

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