Last Wednesday, I decided to go see Dr. Strange at the cheap movie theater. When unemployed or, worse, employed as a self-published author, it’s important to be thrifty. By waiting until a movie has been out a while, you can get a movie ticket for as little as $2, which makes you feel better about spending $25 on a “small” soda Continue reading “Services Not Rendered”
To quote the semi-immortal Shakespeare (because let’s face it, I’m pretty sure he’s dead): “Oops, I did it again. I published a second book and you can buy it from Amazon HERE. Oh, baby, baby.”
Now, to fill the time while you wait for it to arrive, here’s a blog post: Continue reading “First One’s Free”
I had to drive on the highway to hand deliver a Christmas gift to a friend I have this year.
That is a big deal for me.
Who knew I had friends?
Driving on the highway is always a big deal for me, too, because I, unlike most highway drivers, do not want to die. Continue reading “Driving and Other Risky Behaviors”
Advertising: it’s vital to the human condition. It’s what distinguishes us from animals. Have you ever seen an otter try to sell laxatives to a panda bear? I didn’t think so.
But would you like to? Because for just $19.95…well, we can discuss that later. Continue reading “Free Article, Just Pay Shipping and Handling”
I have the flu.
All of it.
Every flu germ ever in existence thus far is currently residing in my body. Flu germs that have long since retired have rejoined the workforce just to make me miserable.
This is particularly weird because I never get sick. I’m always either healthy or in a state of denial. Continue reading “Ladies and Germs”
After a great deal of study I’ve found that social interactions are only awkward when there’s more than one person involved. The conversations I have by myself are never awkward. Not even during the long pauses, staring into my own eyes (which is hard to do when you have a nose).
But when you get more than just you involved, that’s when it starts to get uncomfortable. That’s because other people always ask the unpleasant, overly-personal questions the voices in your head would never ask. Like “What have you been up to lately?” or “Do you have any hobbies?” or “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Continue reading “Secret Agent Ma’am”
I don’t eat yogurt.
I know what you’re thinking: “Is she seriously going to spend a whole blog post talking about dairy products she doesn’t eat?”
To that I would have to say please try to contain your excitement or you’ll hyperventilate before the end of this article. Continue reading “The Controversy of Yogurt”
There are some villains who’s evilness can’t be overstated: Hitler, Stalin, your friends who dare to hold different political beliefs than you in an election year.
Then there are the villains who’s evilness has really been understated. The fruits of their maniacal deeds continue to be pervasive in our lives and yet we hardly take the time to despise them with the despisedness they deserve, despisedly. Continue reading “Underrated Villains”
You know that old saying, “You can lead a reindeer to Norway, but you can’t keep Zeus, god of lightening, from striking it down”?
Well you should, because it’s very important.
Imagine you were hanging out on social media and saw an ad for cheap airfare to Norway and you thought to yourself, “Gee, my reindeer has never been to Norway. I bet he’d love it there.” Continue reading “The 300: Reindeer Version”