Themeless Writing

I want to talk about AI, so naturally that required a lot of research into cow cannulation.

Maybe you were thinking you could write a hundred articles about AI without ever even using the word ‘cow.” And to that I say, nobody likes a show-off.

“What even is cow canning?” you may ask.

The answer is: I didn’t say cow canning. I said cannulation. Completely different.

But also, this is what AI comes up with when you ask for a picture of a cow working in a canning factory:

That’s pathetic. And not just because that cow is obviously slacking and not doing any work. Also, upon editing this article (Yes, I DO edit these things before posting and they still come out like this) I noticed that cow has 5 legs. You can claim AI is smart, but I know 4 year olds who are very clear on the number of legs cows have.

In contrast, this is what you get when you ask a human with too much time on her hands for a picture of a cow working in a canning factory:

That somewhat disgruntled cow is not only obviously hard at work, but is also observing proper sanitation protocols with that hair net in case there’s a surprise OSHA inspection. Sure, he’s not happy about it. This isn’t even the cow’s dream career. But after the capybara dropped out of their glam rock band, the cow’s music dreams fell apart and he started thinking maybe it’s time to give up and focus on a stable career for a while, even though it’s not what he really wants. And no matter how nice it is to have insurance and a steady paycheck, the cow just can’t let go of the fact that making music is the only time that he feels like he can actually breathe. And that’s the sort of thing AI will never understand about being human. Or a cow in a canning factory.

But I said cannulation, not canning.

In my quest to be trendy and talk about what the old people think the young people care about, I wanted to talk about AI and ended up going down the cow cannulation rabbit hole (which is kind of funny once you know what cannulation is. Remember that for later.)

The reason AI and cow cannulation are linked in my brain is because the other day, my friend and I were working on a project and she thought it needed a picture of a cannulated cow.

Hey, I don’t judge what you and your friends do on the weekends!

My friend had the fancy paid version of one of the brand name AI tools. I don’t know how much she paid for it. I don’t even buy name brand cookies. She decided rather than search the internet for a picture of a cannulated cow, it would be easier and faster to have AI create us an image. So that’s what we did.

Regrettably, I don’t have the original picture the AI generated but I have managed to painstakingly recreate exactly what the PAID-FOR, BRAND NAME AI generated as a picture of a cannulated cow:

I feel like this is a reverse Rorshach test. We should show it to a psychiatrist and find out if the AI is okay and/or wanting to kill all humans.

Now, if the image above didn’t make it perfectly clear, what is cannulation? If AI were writing this article, it would go like this:

Before we get into a definition for cannulation we need to first answer ‘What is a cow?’

Surely I’m not the only one who has googled things like “How do I know what size sweater my friend’s cat needs” and clicked on an article titled “Top 10 Hassle-free And Fool-Proof Ways Tom Hiddleston Uses To Determine What Size Sweater His Best Friend’s Cat Wears, No Expensive Equipment Required (Updated 2024)(NOT CLICK-BAIT!!!!!)” And after a long intro where the author describes being in a situation similar to mine of wanting to buy a sweater for their friends cat, the article says something to the effect of  “Before we can answer the simple question we promised to answer in the title, we have to first answer what IS a cat?”

It’s so infuriating because they never actually get around to answering the question we do have because they spend so long answering a question NOBODY has! We all know what a cat is! It’s a defective dog! Move on!

(Side note: I’d like to apologize to all the cat people who I offended. I couldn’t help myself because I thought that mean-spirited joke was hilarious. Really I’m over-compensating because, as a life-long dog person, I don’t actually know what a cat is. I just know my friend has one and I’m afraid to touch it.)

The point is these useless articles make so much more sense now that I know people have been letting AI write their articles for them. The same AI that thinks it drew a cow with two ovals, a circle, and a line. Only a computer couldn’t tell you about cat sweater sizes until it had first gone back to understand what a cat actually is and what side it might choose to fight on if robots were to instigate a war with humans. Also, what a sweater is.

All I’m trying to say is you’d better stay on your sweater’s good side or it will choose to side with the robots and how can you possibly defeat a robot if your arms are slightly chilly? If that happens, you’d better pray that the robots try aiming for your 5th leg, giving you a chance to escape.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

AI and cows. (Because that obviously makes way more sense than robots and sweaters.)

A cannulated cow is one that has a hole built into its side. Why? Because veterinarians are weird. They’re always sticking their hands places that I would never even consider. I love my dog, but I’ve never wanted to closely inspect the contents of her spleen. My vet on the other hand, I practically have to hold her back. Every time we go to the vet, she’s sticking her fingers places that neither me or my dog think is a particularly good idea, and then the vet asks for samples of anything she wasn’t able to get her hands on (literally).

Long story short, a veterinarian was reaching as far as she could into the backside of a cow when she realized she wasn’t even able to reach halfway through the cow. Imagine the organs she wasn’t able to fondle.

Next thing you know, the farmer comes out and finds the veterinarian using a jackhammer to drill into the side of their cow. The cow doesn’t seem to mind (because cows are also weird.) Then the vet finished by adding some cute trim around the hole in the cow because the vet had been watching too much Chip and Joanna Gaines.

Here is an actual picture of a cannulated cow: 

Now everyone was happy and the vet could touch all the internal organs she had been missing before. What’s more, she could also trade out one of the cow’s stomachs if she felt like it. (Yeah, that actually happens in real life. Veterinarians reach into a hole they made in a cow and trade out stomachs from other cows. Again, I’m blaming Chip and Joanna Gaines and the DIY craze.)

My point is don’t google “what is that hole in the side of a cow called” unless you are prepared to clear your schedule for the rest of the day because it sucks you in.

Also, I just learned that decannulation is a word. It’s too long for use in scrabble, but I feel like it would be a good conversation starter on a first date;:

Date: What are you looking for in a relationship?

Me: I just want someone nice with a good sense of humor who wouldn’t be afraid to perform a decannulation if it came down to it.

(Surgeon General’s Warning: Consult with your doctor before taking any of Veronica’s dating advice.)

Also, if I’m perfectly honest, I’d watch Chip and Joanna Gaines fix up a poorly cannulated cow — maybe add some cute shiplap around the trim — because I am also weird. And single. Weird.

In conclusion, I hope you now understand why “cow cannulation rabbit hole” is funny.

You’re welcome.