Themeless Writing

Because I don't have a clue either


April 2016

Bugs in the System

Once upon a time in a swamp somewhere, a spider and mosquito locked eyes and in that one look, knew they were made for each other. I was love at first sight, or, in the case of the spider, love at all 8 of the sights. They knew their families would never approve. But, through some adventures, they proved that the power of love is more powerful than any obstacles.

And they lived happily ever after.

In my bedroom.

Slowly eating me alive.

The end. Continue reading “Bugs in the System”

Near Royalty

The Queen of England is looking to hire someone to run her Facebook and Twitter accounts (See?  I linked it so you couldn’t disbelieve me!)

Obviously I’m the perfect candidate:

-I have experience on social media and, while I cannot figure out how to set my blog to my own time zone so I have to do some serious math every time I want to set an article to post at a specific time, I consider myself good at computers Continue reading “Near Royalty”

Book Judgery

(This post is subtitled “You Don’t Know How Close I Came to Drawing a Bikini on a Book to Complete the Beauty Pageant Theme”.  Just FYI.)

Books should be judged by their cover.

For example, this book, newly available in paperback, is clearly one of the best books ever: Continue reading “Book Judgery”

Nearly-All-Crustacean Shakespeare

April 23rd is a day to celebrate Shakespeare because they think it is the day Shakespeare was born.  They also think he died on the same day, which makes it even more impressive that he wrote all those plays, being alive for less than a day.

This year we celebrate Shakespeare being dead for 400 years.  Now that I say it out loud, it doesn’t actually sound very nice.

In honor of April 23rd, I couldn’t pass up finally writing the much-anticipated (mostly by me) Crustacean Shakespeare I have been promising to write. Continue reading “Nearly-All-Crustacean Shakespeare”


I had a bad day the other day. I didn’t order it or anything. It just showed up on my doorstep. I tried marking it “return to sender”, but the mailman wouldn’t take it back.

They say when you have a bad day, you should take a moment to be grateful for the good things. They say that because they’ve clearly never had a bad day. I don’t know about “they”, but when I’m having a bad day, there are no good things. Everything looks like this: Continue reading “Gratitudiveness”

My Blog Turns 50

Today my blog turns 50 posts old.

In honor of this, my 50th post, I thought I’d combine all my posts into one Super Post! So I took the 1st sentence from my first post, the 2nd sentence from my second post, and then I mostly lost count.

Some of the later ones I had to circle back to the beginning of them because there weren’t that many sentences.

I don’t know why I’m telling YOU this. It’s not YOUR 50th post. I can do whatever I want! So back off! And enjoy! Continue reading “My Blog Turns 50”


There are only 2 certainties in life: Death and taxes.


This year one of those things is no longer the certainty it was! And it’s not the one you would have preferred be less certain!

I was going to write a blog post about how to do your taxes the day AFTER April 15th. You see how that would be entertaining? It’s funny because it’s impractical. Continue reading “Taxing”

No Place Like Homeopathy

Homeopathic medicine is becoming more mainstream these days. The number of people practicing homeopathic medicine is growing, largely because we’ve stopped burning them at the stake lately.

Now we just mock them on the internet.

What is “Homeopathy”? It is a mix of two words: Continue reading “No Place Like Homeopathy”

Falafel and Other Letdowns

I’d like to talk about things in life that I find disappointing.

Because that oughta be a barrel of laughs.

1.) Falafels. If you were to combine the words “fun” and “waffle”, you would get the word falafel. (Also if you sneezed and fell down the stairs while you said the word “waffle”, you might end up saying “falafel”, although I’m not advocating testing that theory.)

So I always believed falafel to be some sort of amazingly special waffle. I pictured a nice fluffy Belgian waffle wrapped into a burrito-like thing (because I also love Mexican food). Inside would be all the best foods, like bacon and ice cream and candy and cantaloupe and steak and tacos and queso and cheesecake and pancakes and even more waffles! Continue reading “Falafel and Other Letdowns”

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