Like most people lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about feet.

If you haven’t been spending a lot of time thinking about feet, I bet you would be happier if you had rather than whatever you have been thinking about.

It really started last winter. I had walked a short way on an errand. On my return trip, I noticed the footprints I had left in the light snow. I found them quite upsetting. I took a picture of them.

Brace yourself.

What in the name of sweet pickles is wrong with my right foot?

Apparently I walk through this world like a hobbled pirate, dragging my right foot along behind me creepily. No wonder I’m still single.

And yet no one’s ever asked me, “Why are you walking with only one and a half of your legs?” Although to be fair, I wouldn’t approach someone I saw walking like that. Anyone who walks in the manner these footprints imply can only be a grizzled pirate or a disgruntled ghost shackled to this mortal world by the chains of their sins, which they are forced to drag in an unending march into eternity.

Or their foot fell asleep.

My foot was not asleep at that time. I’m not sure I want to know which one of the other options I am.

But my foot eccentricities didn’t end there.

I just found out that my feet are not the same size. Now I don’t mean the normal thing where your feet are not exactly the same size as each other.

MY feet are not the same size as THEMSELVES.

It’s confusing, but I can explain it with 3 simple facts:

1.) I wear size 7 shoes.

2.) When I have tried on size 6.5 shoes, they are too small for my feet to even fit into them.

3.) I had my feet measured by a professional shoe seller and found out my feet are size 5.5.

In other words, my feet are bigger on the inside…of shoes.

My first thought was to question the accuracy of those little metal foot measure thingies (You don’t know what they’re called either.)

So I googled it.

It’s called a Brannock Device, which sounds like the Macguffin in a Mission Impossible movie

Turns out, they’re 96% accurate on everyone except ghost pirates. (I made part of that up, but I’m not telling you what part.)

In other words, modern science is 96% sure that my feet are not the size they are.

It’s like an optical illusion. Or maybe the opposite of an optical illusion because it’s the opposite side of my body. It’s a podiacal illusion.

I’ve been avoiding looking at my feet since I found out this information. It’s like I don’t even know them anymore. What are my feet hiding? Whatever it is, it only comes out when I put on shoes, and that’s why I need a shoe that is an entire size and a half bigger than my foot. That’s a lot of secrets.

I don’t dare imagine what happens when I put on socks.

There’s a lot that modern science can’t explain about my feet. All I know is that I would totally go see a Mission Impossible movie that involved a booby-trapped Brannock Device that is going to be used at a gathering of world leaders and Tom Cruise has to pole vault off the moon (I mean, what other stunts are left that he hasn’t already done) and figure out which world leader needs new shoes…BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

And if there’s a role for a pirate, I have a lot of experience. Apparently.