Themeless Writing

I have a new life goal: I want to run for Coroner.

So.

Very.

Much.

Let me be clear here: I don’t want to actually BE coroner. Dead bodies are gross.

Live bodies are pretty gross for that matter.

I just want to run for the office of coroner. The running is the fun part! Continue reading “More Disturbing Than the Presidential Election” →

This was in my “Trending Topics” on Facebook recently:

First of all, I hope they ship the new glass iPhone to people pre-smashed to save time. Continue reading “Blog. James Blog.” →

Life is full of strange interactions. Particularly when I am involved.

And, yes, I am usually the stranger rather than the strangee.

I had the occasion to buy Passover cake recently. (This may be strange in itself because I am not Jewish. But this cake is gluten-free and chocolate-marble. So once a year, I watch The Ten Commandments and eat Passover cake.)

Since this cake is a seasonal item, I wasn’t sure where the store would have it. And that’s how this actual conversation actually happened: Continue reading “Strange Interactions” →

“Where do you see yourself in the next 5, 10, 20 years?”

You get asked that question a lot in life: job interviews, therapy appointments, parole hearings, etc.

To me, life seems too unpredictable to know what the heck I’ll be doing next week, let alone in several years.  But I’ve given it some thought and I think I’ve come up with a pretty solid, realistic answer.

Someday, probably not too far in the future, I’m going to snap and become an evil villain. Continue reading “Where I See Myself in Five Years” →

I had some good news recently. It turns out I’m basically immortal.

So make sure you follow my blog now because in a million years, it’s going to be famous as the longest running blog in history. Then you can say that you were a part of it back near the beginning.

You’ll be dead, of course. But that shouldn’t stop you. By then someone will have developed the technology for people who are technically dead to still be able to brag to the living. Continue reading “Walking to the Outskirts of Forever” →

You know those commercials for the dog food that’s all natural? You know the ones. They brag all about how their food is made with real stuff like blueberries. Apparently these people have gotten confused. I don’t think they own a real dog. I think they somehow ended up with a vegetarian for a pet. Because when my dog eats blueberries, I get them back again in the most unpleasant ways. Continue reading “Fit For a Dog” →

It’s been over 3 days and I’m still on my cooking kick. It’s like I’m playing russian roulette. Every time I cook and manage to not ignite anything, I feel excited and enlivened and want to cook more, not realizing that every meal I make is one meal closer to my kitchen burning down.

I have become so intoxicated with cooking, I made a meal plan for the week. Here it is: Continue reading “It Happened in Aisle 5” →

Me: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Puppy: I always come when you call because sometimes you have a treat!

Me: Yes, well, not today. I assume you know why I asked you here today.

Puppy (excitedly): Are you going to feed me again?

Me: No.

Puppy (more excitedly): Are we going to the vet? Because I love the vet!! Except when she asks me to do really impossible things, like stand still.

Me: No, this has nothing to do with the vet.

Puppy (so excitedly, she might explode): ARE YOU GOING TO FEED ME AGAIN? Continue reading “Crime and Punishment” →

I’m cooking. Like right now. You think I’m writing this blog post, but mostly I’m cooking. I like to do other things while I cook my food so I can forget about it. That way I’m not just cooking, I’m also testing the efficacy of my fire alarms.

My cooking skills are…well, calling them skills is generous. Cooking is to me what designing the Titanic was to that one guy who did it. Only way more people died horrible deaths, obviously, because of my cooking. Continue reading “The Joy of Burning Things” →