For those of you who skipped parts 1-6, I’m not recapping. So go back and read them all before you start here!
(For those of you who read part 1, there are no parts 2-6.)
And now, the thrilling conclusion to why I seem to attract guys on drugs.
Maybe I should make a survey to take with me on dates. And then when we have the “We need to talk” talk, I can let them down gently, then ask them if they wouldn’t mind taking just a few moments to fill out this survey to better help me in my future dating. I know you think that sounds crazy, but I would make it multiple choice, not short answer/essay. Because I’m considerate.
What did you first notice about Veronica?
A.) Her consideratecy
B.) Her sense of humor
C.) Her creativity
D.) Her nose, which is a little large so it would make for easy cocaine-sniffing
How would you describe Veronica’s laugh?
D.) Obviously drug-induced
What the heck about Veronica made you think she was into drugs?
A.) She’s a writer. Aren’t they all on absinthe or something?
B.) She wears tie-dye socks
C.) She blows her nose more than average
D.) Nobody can possibly be that straight-laced
I think it could be very helpful. Not that I would stop wearing tie-dye socks. But maybe I could get taller shoes that hide them.
I would just like to avoid having the “we need to talk” talk so often. But when a guy says, “Can I get your number?” you can’t respond, “Will you pee in this cup first?” Actually, I know a woman who could respond that way. And she’s married now. This is why dating confuses me.
I’ve also considered carrying around a pamphlet that I could hand out to guys who ask me out. Something like: “Is Dating Veronica Right For Me?” It would be informative (ie: “While dating Veronica, you will experience an increase in the amount of Mexican food you eat.”) and include all those pesky deal breakers (the 4 D’s: drugs, disrespect, and dislikes dogs). I think it could be a real time saver:
“Veronica, I was wondering if you’d like to maybe go grab a cup of coffee sometime?”
“Wow, I’m flattered. But before I answer, take a few moments and familiarize yourself with this info and then see if you’re still interested.”
“Oh, I see here that drugs are a deal breaker. Does that include bongs?”
“I’m afraid it does.”
“Alright, well thank you very much for your time.”
“Thank you, and good luck with your future endeavors.”
Bam! Just saved myself $5 on coffee. Can you imagine how efficient that would make things? Yes, it’s a little business-transactiony, but still efficient. Okay, so maybe we abandon the pamphlet idea and just go right to everyone wearing shirts with a list of their major likes and dislikes on them. Can you imagine?
“Hey, I think that guy over there is checking you out.”
“I think he’s just noticing that I’m really into krav maga.”
Crazy? Absolutely. But I’d have that clearly printed on my shirt, too.