You ever have those days when you’re listening to Pandora and after disliking about 5 songs in a row, you start to realize that Pandora and its music selecting algorithm may not be the problem? I’m having one of those days. Everything annoys me. Happy people are so obnoxious, throwing their smiles in your face. Angry people are so obnoxious, trying to drag the rest of us down with them. I wish everyone would just leave me alone and I wish there was someone around I could pick a fight with. The only person around is my dog, so I’m left trying to pick a fight with her, which is always futile:
Dog: “I love you!”
Me: “So’s your face!”
Dog: “I don’t get it, but I love you even more for saying it to me.”
Me: “It’s an insult. I just insulted you.”
Dog: “I think it’s so great that you’re taking the time to talk to me. I love you SO MUCH!”
Me: “Look, I’m trying to pick a fight with you.”
Dog: “That sounds like fun! I’ll go first. I love you so much, I wish I could live inside your face!”
Me: “That’s not actually an insult. And it’s a little weird.”
Dog: “No it’s not. Hey, look! I did it! We’re fighting! This is so much fun! You always have the best ideas! I love you!”
Me: “I wish I had a cat.”
Dog: “GASP! You take that back right now!”
Me: “Oh, yeah? What if I don’t?”
Dog: “That’s okay. I already forgave you and now that we’ve been through this, I love you even more now than I ever did before.”
And that’s why you never hear about dogs getting into bar fights. I’ve never been in a bar fight either, but I like to think I could if I needed to.
You know what we need? Angry Awards. Not what you’re thinking, though. These would be awards for people who are angry, but still responsible and not taking it out on others. Because that is hard. Sometimes, it’s harder than landing on the Moon while conducting brain surgery and pretending you don’t know the words to the Taylor Swift song on the radio.
Picture it: You’re at work in a horrible mood, but still working. Your boss comes in and starts yelling at you for something that is obviously not your fault. You’re sitting there thinking about how unfair this is and how you just can’t handle it at that particular moment and given how you feel, you can’t see how anyone could possibly blame you if you stood up, picked up a file cabinet, and threw it out the window. But you don’t. You swallow back the bile, wait until your boss is finished, and apologize for the thing that is so clearly not your fault, thus allowing your boss to feel better. YOU DESERVE AN AWARD FOR THAT!
And I know where we can get some awards. Everyone’s all about recycling these days (something about Polar Bears trying to swallow ducks, but getting the plastic six-pack rings that was caught on the duck stuck in their teeth). So we could re-use other awards that are no longer useful for other people. For example, if you’ve ever won an Oscar, I know for a fact you aren’t reading this blog. If you’ve ever won two Oscars, that’s great because you can now have nice symmetry wherever you put them. But what about when you win three? You don’t need 3 Oscars. That’s borderline hoarding. Not to mention, people will start to wonder about you and your apparent obsession with collecting naked-man-statues. And so all those people who’ve won 3 or more Oscars could donate their statues to the Angry Awards.
Okay, according to Google, “People with 3 or more Oscars” is not as long a list as I thought it would be. Upside: some of those people on the list are dead, which means they don’t need any of their Oscars anymore. But we could also use old Grammys, CMA’s, People’s Choice Awards, and whatever else. The point is not what your award looks like, but that it is big and heavy enough that your boss won’t yell at you again for fear of being hit with it (Although that may be grounds for revoking your award).
I’m going to try starting another fight with my dog.