Lifestyle blogs are all the rage right now, so I’ve decided that’s what my blog is.

Now I just need a lifestyle.

But first I should ask how early do you have to get up in order to have a lifestyle? Because that could have an impact on my decision. I can barely even talk before noon. I usually just communicate through a series of grunts and the international gesture for “waffles”. So how am I supposed to be able to lifestyle first thing in the morning?

Also, how much Dr. Pepper are you allowed to drink? Because I would describe my personal lifestyle as very Dr. Peppery. Does that count?

How about this: Dr. Pepper advertises that it has 23 flavors, but I like mine with a little shot of coke (the soda, not the other kind) because apparently my tongue has ADD and 23 flavors just isn’t enough! And that’s almost like cooking. And cooking is lifestylish. Unfortunately that is 1/3 of all my cooking knowledge. The other 2/3 are:

      • Draining the water from the noodles is an important step in making macaroni and cheese, even if they forget to include that step in the instructions on the box
      • With only the use of a toaster oven and a frozen pot pie, it possible to light what is essentially ice on fire

Those are both true stories and the reason I no longer have to cook at family gatherings.  But I remain the best dang table setter in the west.

Oh, I have a baking story! And baking is definitely a lifestyle, right?

My sister made a 7 layer cookie for a party the other day. We’re both gluten-intolerant, which means we often say mean things about gluten, like “Stupid gluten, taking jobs from other hardworking grains!” Because of that, she had to leave out some of the layers of her 7 layer cookie, including the cookie. So what she actually made was a cheesecake with toppings. But we decided we could still call it a 7 layer cake.

Except it only had two toppings: chocolate chips and coconut. So we got creative with finding the other layers. Her 7 layer cake was:

-The pan

-Cheesecake

-Love

-Chocolate Chips

-Coconut

-Resentment

-Air

Don’t worry: the resentment’s bitter taste was offset by the air.

I know fashion is very lifestylagous. I actually have some things to say about fashion.

First of all: slacks, aka fancy pants. There’s really only two places you wear fancy pants to and those are work and funerals. No one says “We’re going clubbing/to the zoo/camping/on a bank heist? Shoot! I just put my slacks in the laundry!”

So I would like to know: why do they make modern slacks so tight and thin as to show off your underwear. Call me old fashioned, but if other people can see your underwear, I’d say you failed at getting dressed this morning.

It’s called “underwear” because it should be fully UNDER other clothing and people, if they want to see it, should have to ask WEAR is it? No one has ever thought Superman is trendy for his outer-underwear. People with visible underwear are only one degree of separation away from that.

But slacks add that extra awkwardness of not saying only, “Hello, world! Look at my underwear!”, but saying that to the two people it is most awkward to say it to: your boss and people in mourning.

A good rule of thumb for showing off your underwear is this: If you would not present your underwear TO a person, then it probably isn’t a good idea to present it to them while on your person.  I hope this helps.

Second: if you wear shoes with holes in them, wearing brightly colored socks attracts attention to the holes.

This may be too much work. Forget the lifestyle. My blog will just go back to being…difficult to describe.

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