I watched part of an episode of Outlander. It’s about a British woman from the 1940’s who gets sent back in time to Scotland in the 1700’s. It would have been a very different show if the woman was a modern American.

Outlandisher

The Story of a 21t Century American Woman Who Gets Sent Back to Scotland in the 1700’s.

(A woman awakes in a field.)

Woman: That’s weird. I was just in the parking lot of IKEA and now I’m here. But where IS here? Siri, I am talking to you! Where is here? Stupid phone.

(Suddenly a bunch of red coats come running over a hill, firing their guns)

Woman: OMG. It’s worse than I ever could have imagined! It’s a dramatic reenactment!

(She runs away, winding up being taken in by a clan of scruffy looking guys in kilts.)

Woman: I just want you all to know that we are all on the same side. My facebook profile pic had rainbow on it for like two weeks.  So I am totally cool with you all wearing skirts.

Captain: What is she talking about, Scotty?

Scotty: I dunna a’know, Cap’n.

Captain: Well, let’s fix this man’s arm and then we’ll be on our way.

Woman: Wait! You might break his arm if you do that. Let me just look up on WebMD what to do. What are your symptoms?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Well, it’s me arm. It’s pointing the wrong direction.

Woman: Okay, and are you nauseous at all?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: A little.

Woman: Any headache?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Not really. It’s mostly just my arm that hurts, having popped out of the socket.

Woman: Okay, let me just put that in there and…oh, man. I’m sorry, but WebMD says you have cancer.

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Is that an arm disease?

Woman: No, just boobs and skin. Don’t worry, though. I’m going to start a crowdfunding page for you, so we can send you and your boyfriend to Disney World.

Man With Arm Out of Socket: My who?!?

Woman: Smile!

(Takes cell phone photo for crowdfunding page)

(They ride off on horses, riding all night and into the day)

Woman: Hey, wait a minute, everybody! We’re about to get ambushed.

Captain: How do you know?

Woman: I just image-searched that mountain over there and Wikipedia told me that this exact spot is where people used to get ambushed all the time.

(Suddenly, a bunch of red coats jump out and start shooting)

Woman: Well, I am going to give this Wikipedia page a very good rating for accuracy.

(The red coats are beaten and the clan passes around some celebratory alcohol.)

Captain: Here, have a drink for saving our lives, lass!

Woman: Not unless it’s gluten free, organic, and diet because this guy on Instagram said that he only drank gluten free, organic, diet shakes for a year and he lost 300 pounds and had the pictures to prove it. It was nasty! I don’t know why people put up gross pictures like that. You should see it. Here, look!

Captain: I think a woman with your peculiar skills might come in handy. You will stay in the castle and work for us.

Woman: OMG, I could do so much for you guys. I worked for a Renaissance festival one summer and it was so much fun, except one of my friends actually got scurvy. At least that’s what WebMD said it was. I told him he should sue the company, but then it turned out he was eating a whole lot of “special” brownies, and that was causing most of his problems. Look, I’ve already started a blog for your castle!

(They ride into the castle. The woman is introspective.)

Woman: Have I really gone back in time? Can this really be happening? I feel like a paper napkin perched on the edge of a trashcan, that could with just the slightest breeze fall in or out of where it’s supposed to be. Oh, I’ve gotta tweet that!

End Credits

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