The other day a friend suggested that if I didn’t waste so much time procrastinating on the internet, I might actually get some of the stuff on my “To-Do” list accomplished.

What this friend didn’t understand is that I’m not procrastinating. #1 on my to-do list is view the entire internet. She was interrupting.

The internet can be useful. You can learn a lot of things that you will not find out for years aren’t actually true.

For example, I get the majority of my history from those little cartoons Google puts up on their home page.

Don’t judge me.

Usually I feel like they’re very informative. When I go to parties and don’t know what to say, I can bring up interesting historical facts:

Him: (Awkward silence)

Me: Did you know Marie Curie was awarded her Nobel Prize 113 years ago last Thursday?

Him: Who’s Marie Curie?

Me: She’s a lady who used a bunch of chemistry equipment to spell out ‘Google’.

Him: And she won a Nobel Prize for that?

Me: I guess it was a lot easier back then. In those days, people were shorter so it was harder to play basketball, and you couldn’t watch Star Trek reruns. So they had to give out more awards to entertain people.

Him: I didn’t know that.

Me: You’re welcome.

This system obviously works pretty well for me.

But one time Google put up a picture celebrating the 81st Anniversary of people hunting for the Loch Ness Monster.

Now I don’t like to publicly question our Supreme Leader, Google, for fear of what they will do to me. But how do they know exactly how long people have been hunting for the Loch Ness monster to the year, let alone the day?

Is there some sort of journal entry Google knows about that none of the rest of us have seen? It would have to go something like this:

April 21, 1934
Dear Diary,

How are you? I am fine.

I’m starting to think there might be some kind of creature living in the loch. I know it sounds crazy. No one has ever suspected anything like this ever before. EVER.

Everyone thinks I’m out of my mind because it’s a well known fact that “Loch Ness” means “This water is completely monster free” in that one language. All of our stories and legends revolve around there being absolutely no monsters living in that specific loch. So no one has ever even considered that there might be a monster living in there, let alone hunted for one.

Despite everyone’s skepticism, I’ve decided to become the first person EVER to go hunting for this beast. Because it lives in Loch Ness, I’ve decided to call it, simply, the “Michael Nesmith Monster” (He was one of the Monkees for those of you reading this journal in the future who may not get that joke).

I’ve got all my supplies and am ready to get going. 81 years from now, they will talk about this historic day: the first time anyone ever hunted for a monster in Loch Ness. And you can quote me on that.

My hunt begins today. Or maybe tomorrow. But probably today.


Until Google can produce a journal entry similar to this, I may just have to disbelieve them.

(Awkward Silence)

Did you know Kafka wrote Metamorphosis 104 years ago? It’s about a cockroach who spells out the word “Google”.