Notice anything different about this blog post?
I hope not.
Because the difference is that I am writing it on a new laptop and if you knew that, you are obviously in my bushes.
I feel all extravagant, buying a new laptop when my old one still works perfectly fine. Of course “works perfectly fine” is a relative term. My old laptop “works perfectly fine” in the sense that it works better than if you were to try to do the same action on a seedless watermelon. For example my old laptop has great internet speed compared to a seedless watermelon. Just not compared to any other computer.
The frustrating thing is how often I have to go buy new laptops. I just bought my old one July 3rd. Of course, it was July 3rd of 2006, but that was still recently in my mind.
I’m definitely on the edge of new technology, just not the cutting edge. I’m on the opposite side: the dull edge that only approaches new technology getting dragged there against its will, kicking and screaming.
The main problem with my old laptop is that the battery is dead, so it has to be plugged-in always. And the plug is held together in several places with electrical tape. And the screen casing is held together with some duct tape. And part of the screen is dead, so there are colorful lines down an inch of the middle of the screen, so you can’t see any words that are on that part of the screen. And the speakers don’t work. Or the wifi. Or sometimes the on/off switch. But when you are able to get it to turn on, it works great…well, it works okay…well, it works anyway. Sort of.
So this last weekend I finally decided it was time and went to the computer store. Despite being only 10 years behind the cutting edge of technology, I’m not very tech-savy, so I needed the help of an employee at the computer store to pick out the right laptop.
“I blog,” I explained. “Can I do that on this computer?”
The employee responded, “That is a slurpee machine.”
“That doesn’t really answer my question.”
“What if you tell me what features you’re looking for and I can help you find the right laptop for you.”
“Okay. What I really need are blogging features.”
“Oookay. What do you mean blogging features?”
“Internet and Paint. I need to be able to find and manipulate pictures of flamingos. That constitutes a good 34% of what I do.”
“Okay, what else?”
He didn’t believe me. “Do you do much gaming?”
“Yes. I like Scrabble.”
“I meant online gaming.”
“Oh. Well I played Candy Crush for a while.”
“Right. How many devices are you going to want to sync to your laptop?”
“Well, my last laptop wasn’t waterproof, so I generally kept it away from the sink. But are you talking about a bathroom or kitchen sink, because if you mean the bathroom sink, I don’t think I could fit a lot of other devices in there with the laptop.”
To which he said, “I’m starting to think you might be better off with the slurpee machine.”
So I said, “Maybe you can tell me which of your computers comes without Windows 10?”
To which he answered, “Well, that slurpee machine we were looking at doesn’t have Windows 10. Everything else we have will come with Windows 10. Why don’t you want Windows 10?”
“I’m concerned about how much people say Windows 10 spies on you, using your camera and microphone even when they’re turned off, and also recording what you type. Not that what I type makes any sense. But if Windows wants to read it, they should have to go to my blog or BUY MY BOOK ON AMAZON like everybody else.”
He laughed at me. “That’s crazy! Windows 10 doesn’t spy on you! It’s the best! Windows is improving the lives of everyone on the planet. All hail Windows!”
As he said this, he secretly showed me a piece of paper that said, “They’re watching us. It’s too late for me! Run! Save yourself!”
I left that store quickly. What I didn’t notice was that moments later, another car pulled out of the same parking lot, following me. If I’d turned around, I would have seen it was a Windows 10 laptop in a trench coat and with a fake mustache.
And so I went to a used computer store and asked a nice-looking man what he could sell me that didn’t have Windows 10. He quickly shushed me, then hurried to lock the door of the store, pulled down all the blinds, and gestured me to a secret room behind a bookcase.
There he had a plethora of gently used laptops with Windows 7.
“You’re safe here,” he said.
And so I left with a slightly-used laptop at a great price.
The moral of the story is that if I go missing, look for a laptop with a mustache and wearing a tench coat. Here is an artist rendering: