Themeless Writing

There are some villains who’s evilness can’t be overstated: Hitler, Stalin, your friends who dare to hold different political beliefs than you in an election year.

Then there are the villains who’s evilness has really been understated. The fruits of their maniacal deeds continue to be pervasive in our lives and yet we hardly take the time to despise them with the despisedness they deserve, despisedly.

So here’s a shout-out to some of my least favorite unsung villains.

1.) The guy who invented the “Insert” key. As an author, I have to wonder how many great sentences were mercilessly accidentally written over because this key exists.  I don’t know what that guy had against words, but personally, as a word advocate, I have no good feelings towards him.

2.) Alexander Graham Bell. He inadvertently invented telemarketers. Even an indirect connection is unforgivable.

3.) People who accept offers from telemarketers. I don’t know who you are or why you do it, but they wouldn’t keep calling if it wasn’t working on somebody.

4.) This next one is so sad because there is an entire generation of millennials who grew up thinking this kind of depravity is normal. Back in the Golden Age (well, maybe Neon Pink Age is more accurate) of the 90’s, people would ride on airplanes. During these flights, a flight attendant would ask you what you wanted to drink. When you answered, “Ginger ale”, they would hand you a cup with three ice cubes and AN ENTIRE CAN OF GINGER ALE! That’s right. They freely and happily gave you your very own can of soda. And then when you finished that one, they’d offer you a second can.

Then a man so evil that I dare not even mention his name came up with a dark plan. Instead of giving people a complementary soda, they would just give people a cup crammed with ice and a tablespoon of watered-down soda. And if you dare ask for a second tablespoon, the flight attendant will glare at you so that you understand that complementary sodas on flights that you have paid hundreds of dollars to take don’t grow on trees. And this villain had such power that not a single airline dared defy him. I dream of the day that his reign of watered-down terror will end.

5.) People who stop at a stoplight too far back to trigger the stoplight to change, stranding people behind them. I will never get those years of my life back.

6.) People who write crossword puzzles. I reject your attempts to make me conform.

7.) The inventor of Bleu Cheese. Feeding people food you know is moldy is unethical, even if it is delicious. (That was pandering. Bleu cheese is disgusting.)

8.) Manufacturers of decaffeinated beverages. Removing the soul from my beverages is also unethical. Does my coffee try to steal your soul? On the contrary, caffeine is what keeps me and countless others from stealing the souls of any humans unlucky enough to encounter us in the morning.

But now, thanks to me, all these villains are a little more sung than they were before.

You’re welcome.