I just got the weirdest thing in the mail.

I don’t remember even ordering an accordion, let alone…whatever that is.

Also, I got a credit card offer.  That was unusual, too.

Now, you may not think a credit card offer is unusual.  You may get them all the time.  You, with your fancy job that requires you to actually leave your house (exposing yourself to dangerous things like UV rays and human interaction)to arrive at some office building (often before noon) and stay there for designated amounts of time, all the while achieving things and wearing pants, and in exchange they regularly give you checks with numbers so large, they are written with at least one comma and the bank doesn’t ask if you’re joking when you try to deposit it.

But I’m a professional blogger, so none of those things apply.

That’s not to say I don’t make any money from my blogging.  I just got a check in the mail the other day.  Granted, it was a rebate from some socks I had purchased.  But I would not have filled out the online rebate form had I not been sitting at the computer dedicatedly procrastinating on writing a blog post.  So bloggers can make money.

Just not much.

Depending on how many socks you buy in a year.

Needless to say, I don’t make enough money to be receiving credit card offers.  But I did.

Even more concerning, the outside of the envelope explained that I would be please to know that after a “thorough review” of my credit, I am one of a “very exclusive group” to receive this “offer”.

Contrary to what they believe, I was not pleased to know this.  If all true, there is only one explanation and that is that someone has stolen my identity and is out there using a credit card in my name to purchase big, expensive items.  And then that person is promptly paying those items off, thus improving my credit score to the point that credit card companies are interested in me.   That’s the only reason I would even HAVE a credit score in the first place, given that I’ve never had a credit card.  It turns out you have to have some money before credit cards will loan you money you don’t have to buy things you can’t afford.

I was curious, so I opened the envelope.  Inside was a pamphlet that said, “An offer designed with you in mind.”

I was skeptical of this, given that an offer truly designed for me would come attached to a live puppy and be made of chocolate (the pamphlet, not the puppy)(maybe the puppy).  But I opened up the pamphlet to see what they thought of when they thought of me.

Inside was a huge picture that looked something like this:

 

My very first thought was “Why would they design this for me?  I get carsick.”

And it’s true.  My inner ear is, shall we say, high strung.  Nothing pushes my inner ear to the very edge of its sanity more than when it realizes that my body is moving, but my feet are not.  I have gotten carsick on an escalator.  One time I was on a cruise (which involved a moving boat)(I paid extra for that) and I tried to watch a movie on said moving boat that involved a helicopter chase.  My inner ear and I had to go to couples counselling for six months before we started speaking again.

The point is if this credit card company had ACTUALLY designed this card with me in mind, there would be no references to car rides – or escalators – whatsoever.  And there would definitely not be a picture that put me in mind of taking a long car ride, the thought of which is enough to cause my inner ear such turmoil that it has ordered a red alert, raised all the shields, and caused the oxygen masks to drop down from the overhead compartment.

Being a helpful person like I am, I think I will send a reply to this credit card company with some suggestions of what an offer designed with me in mind should look like.

Something like this:

Do you love puppies, like the one this pamphlet came attached to?

Is your favorite color purple?

Do you find the latest season of Dr. Who lacking in the science fiction and overdosing on the preachiness?

Do you have a strange and/or strained relationship with your anthropomorphized inner ear?

Then have we got an offer for you!

With our card, we guarantee:

  • Homemade, gluten-free waffles every morning
  • A highly technical chip that keeps people who walk slowly out of your way
  • And absolutely none of the characters you love will be killed off in any of the TV shows/movies you’re watching or books you’re reading

Instead of offering small percentages of cash back, our rewards program gives you free books with every purchase.  And whenever any of your supposed friends says, “Why do you need more books?  You haven’t read all the ones you already own!”, we throw a book at their face so you don’t have to.

If your card is ever lost or stolen, we replace it for you, free of charge!  The same goes for your cell phone, sunglasses, gloves, hat, house keys, car keys, your car, and other easily misplaced items.

This card has absolutely no annual fee, and we never use the letters APR because you don’t know what that is and you’re pretty sure your happiness will be diminished by knowing!

We could go into more detail, but we understand your priorities, so the next 317 pages of this pamphlet are all nerdy memes with adorable baby animals.

Sign up now…provided it is after noontime, because what kind of sane person gets up that early, let alone does business then?

Chocolate drizzled gluten-free waffle?