For my first blog post, I would like to explain who this blog is not for. Lots of blogs try to tell you who they’re for, but then they come across as overly self-important (“This blog is for anyone who loves their kids enough to not want them to be scarred for life by making mistakes that they would never make if they had just read my blog, which incidentally is all about cheese.”).
And frankly, the list of people my blog is for is very short:
- People who are me.
- People who are under the mistaken impression of thinking they are me, which could conceivably include me
- Nope, that’s it.
- Auto-suggest won’t let me stop making this list. It won’t let me start a new paragraph.
- Somebody save me. I’m being held hostage by auto-suggest.
- No, seriously. I can’t get out.
- If you can get a message to my parents, tell them I’m trapped at the computer, unable to get away from this list.
- Disregard the above. I forgot I live at home, so I told my parents. They did not seem appropriately concerned.
- Disregard the above. My mom says I can’t tell the world that my parents weren’t appropriately concerned. She doesn’t want all the people reading my blog to think she is an uncaring mother. And that’s why mothers are great: She thinks people are actually going to read this, despite the fact that we are only on the first post and I’ve already stopped reading it.
Hey, I’m out of the list!
Well, that list was actually longer than I expected. But the point I was pretending to have was that this blog is for me and if you happen to read it, I can’t really stop you. I can, however, warn you that I am going to say things based solely on what makes me giggle. They may not make you giggle, which, based on the comment section of everything, may enrage you beyond all reason. So I would like to be completely upfront with the fact that this blog is not for you and you shouldn’t ever read it. Not in a reverse-psychology way (although, can you even have not-reverse-psychology?), but in a “I-warned-you-but-you-read-it-anyway-and-now-you-want-to-rant-about-my-stupidity-but-you’re-the-one-who-read-it-despite-legal-council-because-I’m-a-lawyer-as-far-as-you-know” way.
On top of that, there are people who this blog is especially not for. This is a long list. They are as follows:
- People who don’t like things that follow.
- People who don’t like things that DON’T follow, because my train of thought is more like a one-person game of leap frog.
- People who don’t like sentences ending in prepositions. I do that a lot of.
- People who don’t think “as far as you know” is funny, because that makes me laugh uncontrollably every freaking time. As far as you know.
- People who flip about using too many commas, because, in my experience, there are times, albeit not often, when, regrettably, unexpectedly, and, without overstating it, for the sake of complete clarity, I feel, personally, that a lot of commas are, understandably, a good thing, too. Also, people who hyperventilated reading the last sentence because they take a breath at every comma. Legally I have to tell you not to try it. But, legally, I, also, can’t, without proper reason, stop you.
- Randomidity. If that word bothers you, this blog will make you cry.
- Angry people. For the love of everything, please don’t read my blog.
- People who are friends with the aforementioned angry people. Don’t read my blog and then tell them about it. Pretty please?
And somehow that long list ended up being shorter than my short list of people my blog is for. Oh well. I meant to do that…as far as you know.