Facebook is always coming up with improvements. Like that time when they changed the newsfeed to be even more random.

I think Facebook could benefit from some clarity. So I would like to suggest a color-coding system.  If Mark Zuckerberg wants to thank me by making me vice-billionaire, so be it.

Red: I’m going to bring up a politically-charged topic. Don’t let the casual way in which I post it — possibly including the phrase “Can anyone explain to me why…”– fool you. If you say anything that so much as implies anything less than 100% agreement, I will unleash the full force of my rage at you. This topic I’ve brought up on a public forum is NOT up for discussion.

Orange: I’m posting something purposefully confusing and vague. I won’t tell you what it means or why I’ve posted it. Don’t worry: you’re not supposed to get it. Just read it and be confused and my work here will be done.

Yellow: TMI. I’m about to launch into something you do NOT want to know about, especially if you are now eating. Or have ever eaten.

Green: This post doesn’t mean what you think it means (or possibly doesn’t mean what I think it means). I am going to make statements about big events, such as pregnancy or planning a wedding, that quite logically lead you to believe that I am pregnant or getting married. I may even post an outdated picture of myself pregnant or in a wedding dress, but will be caught completely off guard when you think I’m experiencing the things I am talking about.

Blue: This post is not about you. You are going to read it and think I am referring to you, but I am too smart to make obvious references to you someplace I know you will read. So if you are reading this post, you should know it’s not about you!

Purple: I’m in love. This post (as well as every post for the next 6 weeks) will make you vomit a little.

Black: I am no longer in love. Prepare for some major bridge burning.



Grey: This post will make you think that my life is perfect. I may even use the phrase “My life is perfect!” Rest assured that what you are seeing are the parts I want to remember and not the parts I have started hypnotherapy to try to forget.

Pink: I’m bringing up a politically charged topic that I actually want to discuss this time. I’m confused by the lack of response.

Turquoise: I’m having a pity party, and you’re all invited!

Light Blue: I fell for this chain letter in the form of a meme. Prepare for a guilt trip followed by threats!

Light Red: I’m trying to find out more about a politically charged topic I just learned about. I’m asking questions I genuinely don’t know the answer to. Why isn’t anyone answering them?

Light Purple: I’m going to complain about people soliciting me, either with game invites or whatever they are selling. This is how you know I am about to start either gaming or selling things myself.

Dark Pink: I am just itching to get into a fight about politics. Maybe my adrenaline is running too high, but I just want to yell at someone about something, even if it’s over the internet. So I am baiting you with some broad sweeping statement I know many of my friends will disagree with, just so I can find someone to fight with.

You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.