We’re discussing Cats vs Dogs (or “Pets that will demolish your house on purpose vs pets that will demolish your house on accident”)

Intelligence. I know what you’re thinking: “Why am I reading this? Can I seriously not think of anything else to do?” Sure, but a cat’s bigger brains aren’t necessarily a good thing. Limited smartness works to a dog’s advantage.

We already established a dog loves you more than a cat and that is because a dog just doesn’t have the capacity to even consider that you aren’t perfect. You can open the cabinet where the food is kept and despite the fact that this clearly means you could keep all that delicious dog food for yourself, you choose instead to share not only the kibbles, but also the highly valued tasty bits. Humans have also mastered the art of both the belly rub and the behind-ear scratch. That is flat out amazing to a dog.

My dog is completely surprised and overjoyed every time we end our walks back at our house. That’s endearing. So is the fact that when she farts, her eyes get wide and she whips her head around to stare at her backside like she thinks some Bond villain is about to come climbing out, cat in arms, and ask, “Surprised to see me alive?”

Cats on the other hand not only have the ability to recognize your flaws, but I believe, based on their behavior, that cats also have the imagination to blame you for things you don’t even do. Have you ever tried to feed cat a different brand of food from the usual? They don’t just not eat it. They resent it and they want you to know it. They look at you as if to say:

angry cat

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? This clearly is not what I eat. Why the sudden change, hmm? It wouldn’t be that you’re trying to poison me and you thought this brand of slop would hide the taste of the poison a little better, would it? Trying to get rid of me, are we? Well, you’re going to have to try harder than that. We both know I’m too smart for you.

“Ever wonder why I run around like a maniac at 2am? Running at night sharpens the mind.

“So you just make sure that tomorrow my regular slop appears for breakfast and then the police won’t have to get involved. And you know I can get them to come. All I have to do is get myself stuck in that tree again.

“I’m watching you, jack.”

Conversely, a dog could never suspect you of making a simple mistake, let alone homicide.black and white dog

This is also why cats don’t make good service animals. Dogs do what they’re told because they just want you to be happy and they trust that, whatever it is you want to do, it’s going to be the greatest thing ever. If a dog was too smart, every time a blind person went out the door, the service dog would not take them to the bus that gets them to work, but instead choose to get on the bus that takes them to the pet food store. Every single day. Luckily dogs don’t have the capacity to figure that out.

Cats on the other hand feel no need to do what a human wants. So as soon as a blind person was out the door, their service cat would point them in the general direction of a bus stop and then slip out of the harness and wander off to do their own thing.

So, despite being able to score higher on the SAT’s, cats do not win in the category of smartliness.

Now maybe this article has been ever so slightly skewed in a dog’s favor. I thought I could be more impartial, but as we speak, my dog is sitting all snuggly onamy lap shelpingdf nty typeasd. dhaKFDHFKDHFjkad asdfhsd. Other than occasionally laying her head across the keyboard, she is very well behaved. She never leaves more than what I would consider an acceptable amount of drool behind. And that time she sneezed something out onto a key, it was on the letter ‘Q’. I don’t really need to use that key anyway. I’d like to see a cat have that level of consideration when sneezing.

So, really I guess it’s not a matter of one species being “better” than the other. It’s all a matter of preference. Some people can use all the love, support, and admiration they can get. Some people need help staying grounded and humble and could use a little less love and also like to feel unwelcome in their own home.

Next season our pet topic will be Gerbils and Fish: the swiftest way to introduce your child to the circle of life, because gerbils can’t stop having babies and fish can’t stay alive.

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