I recently discovered that all youngest children are actually Communists. While I’m waiting for my Nobel Prize to arrive in the mail, I’ll elaborate.

This was not an easy bit of research to accomplish. First I had to infiltrate the world of the youngest children. I did this by purposefully being born last in my family. That gave me the sort of street cred one needs to work their way into the inner trust circle of youngest children. I lived as a youngest child for 31 years.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why can I only find one shoe? Where would the other one even go?” But I didn’t have to grow out of being a child and become an adult. Youngest children never do. Not only is it not required of us, but no one would believe it if we said we did grow up. For every time we youngest children ask an older sibling to do something for us, there’s two times that a job has been taken from us because nobody expects the baby to be able to do it, even if that baby is a 45 year old brain surgeon.

But where does Communism fit into all this? Well, (*removing glasses to look more authoritative*) (*putting glasses back on in order to see keyboard*) youngest children believe in the system of non-ownership. Everything is community property, with no need to ask permission in order to use or wear or ruin. So, as a youngest child, if I find a shirt that I like, it doesn’t matter who it “belongs” to because it just as equally “belongs” to me, so I can wear it to paint in.

Now if you’ve ever had a youngest sibling, you may be wondering why this sentiment of non-ownership didn’t seem to go the other way, from youngest sibling to other siblings. That’s because of the hierarchy. The Chinese people didn’t need to have their own possessions and gladly shared everything with the Chinese government. Now, in Communism, all people are equal. But some people are a better kind of equal than others. The Chinese government, being equal more better than the common people, didn’t have to share all that stuff back again with the common people. Youngest children are simply more better equal than their older counterparts, so we don’t have to share our stuff with anyone.

Here’s how it looks in graph form:

Youngest Child Graph

Now, I know youngest children’s more equal betterness is an indisputable fact, but those of you who don’t know the reasoning behind it, it goes as follows: When a man and a woman love each other very much or get very drunk, they have babies. Then they keep having babies until they feel they can’t top their last child. Youngest children are the perfect result after years of practice children.

All this may make being a youngest child sound ideal, but there are struggles. I myself have struggled. I had to learn to do my own laundry in college because my family wouldn’t take the twelve hour drive every week to my dorm room.

Youngest children also have an inability to hold things. Be it a coat, a box, or a drink, youngest children lack the muscle strength to hold up any kind of item for an extended period of time. We are constantly dependent on other people to hold our stuff for us while we go rummage through their stuff.

So as long as there are youngest children, Communism will thrive. And, speaking as a youngest child, that’s totally okay.

And if my older sisters are reading this, I don’t know whose shirt this is, but I kinda got paint on it.