First of all, anyone who disputes the contents of that blurry photo of blurry aliens is part of the conspiracy and for your own safety, you shouldn’t trust them.
Now down to business. Then up to tacos. Then back down to jazzercize. But I digress (already, which is frankly a bad sign for the chances of coherency in this post).
I don’t want anyone to panic, but aliens exist and we should all panic.
I know what you’re thinking: “Is it Thursday today? I was supposed to return Steve’s drill by Thursday.” But I don’t think we need to go to such extremes…yet.
You may be wondering how I came to know aliens exist? I think this photograph speaks for itself.
Are you panicking yet? I know I am.
That is not the surface of the moon.
That is my back yard!
And those circles are crop circles made in the snow of my backyard!
BY ALIENS! Because who else makes snow-crop-circles? Mormons are the only people who ever show up at my house and I’m pretty sure they do not currently practice crop-circle-formationizing.
That only leaves aliens.
And the Chinese food delivery guy, but I tip him well.
Here’s a zoomed-out version of that picture.
There’s the intergalactic-snow-crop-circles in the middle, the nearest footprint is down there at the bottom of the photo, a good two to three feet away. And…WHAT THE HECK IS THAT BLACK BLURRY THING IN THE CORNER?!? Oh, that’s my shadow. I’m pretty sure. I may need to get this photo analyzed by a professional before I can say one way or another.
But what this picture proves is that ALIENS EXIST AND THEY’RE LOITERING IN MY YARD!
No, don’t panic now! I’m talking now.
Not that you don’t have every reason to panic. Aliens in my backyard is bad for everyone for many reasons.
For one thing, I have a dog. It has been snowing for days and I know there are doggie land mines hidden all over that yard. If an alien inevitably steps in one, what kind of inter-planetary war is that going to cause?
But more importantly, I NEVER CHECK MY EMAIL!
I have your attention now, don’t I? I am notoriously bad at checking my email or my text messages and worse at responding to them in a promptly matter.
So what are we supposed to do now when the fate of two worlds demands that I be the one receiving, interpreting, and delivering snow-crop-circle messages?
I think it would go a little something like this:
Aliens: Puny humans (they always call us that in movies)! Your time is up to give in to our demands. Prepare to be destroyed!
Me: Was that today? I could of sworn you said by next week. Look, I’m really sorry, but I have just been swamped lately. I have not had two minutes to send the world leaders your messages yet.
Aliens: We can see through your puny human windows. For someone so swamped, you spend a lot of time on puny human Twitter.
Me: It’s called networking. As a free-lance writer, that is very important for my business.
Aliens: What is the last time you wrote anything?
Me: . . .
Still Me: I’m not really at the writing phase right now. I’m still in the outlining phase.
Alien: Present your puny human outline!
Me: You know, I’m not at the writing down the outline phase yet. I’m waiting until it’s really all together before I commit it to paper.
Aliens: You’re on puny human Twitter again!
Me: Don’t judge me!
And thus the world as we know it will end, unless I can (nope!) write (not doing it!) an outline (you can’t make me!). Or at least get the aliens hooked on Twitter. Unless they’re already on there, which would explain a lot about Twitter.
So here is when you should panic. The world is going to come to a close because of my failure to read snow-crop-circles and I feel remotely horrible about it. (I’m not sure what I meant by that either)
In recompense, I would like to offer everyone my collection of laundry detergent coupons.
Full disclosure: Most of them are expired.
But we’re all going to be, too, so it works out.
Oh, I should tweet that!