Themeless Writing

Wild animals are like celebrities: They’re fun to watch on TV, even cooler to see in person, but it’s cruel if you cage one up in your own home, even if you have a big backyard, and it won’t end well for you.

Best case scenario: you’ll get in trouble with the law when someone finds out you have them.

Worst case scenario: they eat you. George Clooney has the air of confidence of a man who has eaten a few people in his time.

So if you ever see him in a restaurant, smile politely, but don’t get too close and never, ever, ever try to take his food away from him.

I went to a wild animal rescue with my friends and it was highly educational and may have cost me a few friends. (None of them were eaten.)(I’m assuming. I didn’t take a head-count before and after)

(In retrospect, maybe I should have.)

(Someone did comment on the extra leg-room after the trip home.)

(James stopped returning my calls around that time.)

(But most guys I date end up not returning my calls.)

(Could they all have gotten eaten by wild animals? That would certainly make me feel better.)

(That’s ridiculous. How are they still updating their facebook pages?)

(Can you get cell reception from inside a lion? I can’t even get reliable reception in my kitchen. I need to find out who their provider is.)

What’s happening? Oh, I was blogging.

So, youngest children are communist.

Wait, wrong post.

I was at the wild animal rescue with friends.

My group followed the tour guide around and took turns asking questions and taking pictures.  That’s where I took the picture of the lion playing cards.  Okay, I photo-shopped in the cards.  He was actually playing dominoes.

Towards the end of the tour, one of my friends said, “You can really tell what everyone’s profession is based on the question they asked the tour guide. Heather, the vet, was asking about the spread of diseases among the animals. Dale, the electrician, was asking about the voltage of the electrified fences. And I didn’t hear what you asked the tour guide, Veronica.”

To which I replied, “I asked if she thought it would be quicker to kill someone by pushing them into the electrical fence or hoisting them over the fence into the lion pen.”

This being a fairly new friend, she asked, “What is it you do again, Veronica?”, searching through her purse, presumably for some mace.

“I’m a writer!” I answered, and we all had a good laugh.

Actually, I still got maced.

And I had to take the bus back home after getting voted out of the carpool.

Artists are always misunderstood.

The point is wild animals belong in the wild. My hope is that everyone will learn to respect nature and keep the wild in the wild. Maybe then nature will reciprocate by keeping wild things out of our homes.

By which I mean: KEEP YOUR SPIDERS OUT OF MY BED, NATURE!

Some people are okay with spiders in their home. “They eat the flies!” these people say. “If you leave them alone, they’ll leave you alone. It’s a symbiotic relationship!”

These people are on the payroll of spiders.

Spiders do not have a symbiotic relationship with humans. You may think I’m only saying this because of my deep-seated phobia of spiders. It is true that I am afraid of them and I wish I was not, at least not as much.

If I was slightly less afraid of spiders, maybe my brain would have time to finish important commands to my muscles such as “But not your iphone” after my brain sent the initial message “Spider! Throw something at it!”

I wish I had better aim, too.

And softer walls.

Spiders have moved into your house not merely to catch flies, no matter what they may have told you. They have moved into your house because they like your house and they want it all to themselves.

I know what you’re thinking: “Do I need to do laundry or do I have enough underwear to last me a few more days?” Well, even though the spider is tiny and does not need a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath house, it wants it nonetheless and will stop at nothing to get it.

We humans get a bad rep for being materialistic, but spiders are even worse. Think about where you find them: in your shoes and clothes (trying them on for size), in your boxes of stuff (looking for collectibles to sell on ebay), and in your bed (checking the thread-count quality of your sheets)!

Spiders want to take over your life! You know how they say every person will eat 200 metric feet of spiders in their lifetime?  Or something like that?  Unless this is some strange new diet fad (I suppose they have to put something into meatless hot dogs), it’s all from spiders crawling into your mouth while you sleep.

That seems like an odd thing for a spider to do.  But it’s all part of their plan.  That is a spider attempting to try YOU on, the same way they tried on your clothes. Cutting-edge spider explorers are attempting to find a route into the human consciousness so they can take over our bodies.

You laugh, but how else do you explain the knitting craze?

Spiders are taking over and it may already be too late to stop them. But you can still do your part and buy me a new iphone.