I’d like to take a minute to seriously discuss the importance of Math.

Not right now.

But someday.

Maybe.

You really do use Math every day in ways you might not even think about. For example, when I’m changing the sheets on my bed. The fitted sheet has four sides, two long ones and two short ones, not necessarily in that order. Using Math, I know because of complex formulas I do not understand that it should only take me a maximum of two attempts to find a direction my fitted sheet will fit on the mattress. But it always takes me 3. Explain that one, Math!

Also, you should never buy a homemade mattress off Etsy.

The reason people don’t understand how vital Math is to everyday life is because schools don’t teach Math using real-world applications.

Remember those word problems about figuring out how much total change there is in all your friends’ pockets? The only real-life reason you would need to be able to calculate this is if you were deciding whether or not you should mug your friends.

And the answer is almost always no.

Then there’s all the Math problems about apples. Math is obsessed with fruit. Math needs to take a hint and figure out that Fruit is just not that into it and move on. I’m sure there’s some other non-sentient-food-source that would love Math exactly the way it is, and they could settle down and have 2.5 children per square cylinder.

Besides that, Math should drop fruit and use foods that people are much more likely to need to calculate amounts of. Have you ever, EVER found yourself worrying if you would have enough apples for each of your friends? If you have, I imagine you don’t have very many friends:

Friend #1: What should we do tonight?

Friend #2: Well, Steve said we could drop by and watch movies.

Friend #1: Not Steve! He always runs around muttering something about how he’s going to make it all come out right and then tries to force apples on me in weird amounts, like 2/7ths or 1 and 3/16ths.

Friends don’t let friends obsess over apples.

Here’s the sort of real-life food equations Math should focus on:

- Sara works at a restaurant. She waits on eight tables at a time. Bill is a customer. He spends an average of forty-five minutes at a table when he eats soup and salad, and fifty-five minutes at a table when he eats steak. He only tips eight percent. How many times is Sara allowed to spit in his food? (Round up to the nearest 10)
- Bobby is having a release party in honor of the new Justin Beiber single. He bought a six-pack of regular soda, a six-pack of diet soda, and a six-pack of caffeine free soda. How many hours is it going to take him to figure out that no one is coming to his party because Beiber sucks? (Be sure to list all the ways Beiber sucks)
- Jason has taken a date to a burger joint exactly four miles from his house and almost seven miles from her house. How many of his fries should he let his date steal before he is entitled to angrily point out that he asked her if she wanted fries and she said no, so why is she eating all of his fries now? (Show your work)
- Susan is throwing herself a birthday party. She is planning on inviting 20 people. How many food allergies should she try and accommodate before she gives up and just serves booze? (Don’t forget to drink while you explain your answer)

These are the sort of equations people need to be able to do in everyday life. Somebody get on this. I would, but I have to go find out how many apples everyone on my block has and how we could divide them all equally. Not for Math. I’m just out of apples and don’t want to go to the store.

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