Currently in the Headlines: Lego Introduces Stay-at-Home Dad Figurine in New Collection.
That is an actual, real headline of an actual real event. This brings up a lot of questions I never thought I’d have to ask.
First of all, I just had a nice long talk with all of my Legos and it turns out that none of my Lego figures has ever been gainfully employed. They just lay around the house all day long, never offering me a hand. I always have to be the one cleaning up THEIR mess, fixing THEIR broken roof, pulling THEM out of the vacuum. Never once have any of them returned the favor.
Now Lego announces that it has a piece that is NOT employed like this is something new, and that makes me want to know how much money everyone else’s Lego figurines have been bringing in all these years.
I mean, Barbie’s dental business hasn’t been in the black for years, but at least she’s trying! (On the other hand, my My Little Ponies Baby Bonnet School of Dance is doing so well, I’m worried it might be a front for something illegal.)
I’m going to start leaving the classified ads in my box of Legos and hope for the best.
How does Lego know what roles I’m having my Lego figurines play out? I mean, which roles CHILDREN will be having THEIR Lego figurines play out? Will every box come with an instructional video?
(British Voiceover) “Thank you for your purchase of Steve, the Manic-Depressive Lego. When you play with Steve, make sure that you always take his personality into consideration. Steve should have manic-high’s where he is hyperactive, followed by incredible lows where he doesn’t want to get out of bed. Steve would be a good choice if you’re planning to play “Going to the Pharmacy”, “Choosing a Therapist”, or even “Having an Intervention”. Please do not include Steve if you’re planning to play games that don’t involve a manic-depressive. We screen and separate all our Lego figurines carefully so that you can have the most accurate fun possible! And we’ll know if you’re not doing it right…”
On an unrelated note, if you happen to buy a Stay-at-Home Dad figurine, I would be sure to check it thoroughly for hidden-cameras or listening devices before you play with it.
And another thing: how is Lego planning to enforce this? If they should find out that I’ve been having my Stay-at-Home Dad go work as a receptionist at Barbie’s Dental Office, what would happen? Would there be fines? Would my figurines be confiscated? Would I have to go to family court? Would I first have to BUILD the family court? How expensive is that kit?
Are there ever exceptions to this rule? I mean, what if I own the Stay-at-Home Dad figurine, but couldn’t afford the expansion set with the kids? Does the Dad still have to stay home? Does he have to adopt a dog to take care of? If I don’t have a dog, can he take care of a pig instead? And can the pig be a Fischer-Price pig because I don’t have a Lego pig?
What about if I forget which of my pieces has which pre-assigned life-path? What if my knight accidentally becomes the stay-at-home Dad and my Stay-at-Home Dad becomes an astronaut? What if just the HEAD of my Stay-at-Home Dad gets mixed up with the body of another piece? Which part of my Stay-at-Home Dad is most responsible for staying home: the head or the body? Or do they both have to stay?
This is all getting a little stressful. I just wanted to play Legos! I mean, KIDS just want to play Legos. They don’t want the responsibility of making sure their figurines stay in their pre-assigned categories like some sort of right-hand to the All-Seeing Lego Dictatorship.
What if someone gets a rebellious piece that doesn’t want to be what they’ve been pre-assigned and tries to flee? Personally I would have an ethical crisis of conscience foiling my Lego figurine’s attempt at freedom. Although I’m pretty sure my sheer number of trolls would enable me to keep an impassable patrol around the perimeter of my living room.
Lego’s a big company. And they’re in Sweden. What are the laws like in Sweden? Is aiding and abetting plastic figurines a crime there? How strict are the punishments? Do we have an extradition agreement with Sweden? I feel like I’m going to have to do a serious amount of research before I commit to this new Stay-at-Home Dad.
I miss the days when Darth Vader could freely ride his boat around his moon farm and come home to his astronaut wife and pig, on loan from Fischer-Price. It was a simpler time.