Puppy: *Gasp* You’re putting on shoes! That means we’re going for a walk!
Me: I put on shoes for other reasons, too, you know. Anytime I go out, I wear shoes.
Puppy: Oh, you mean when we go to the vet.
Me: Or when I’m running errands, or meeting friends, or when I had a job, going to work.
Puppy: Yeah, that’s what I said. Going to the vet.
Me: You know I didn’t work at the vet.
Puppy: But you didn’t work at home?
Me: No. I worked at a store.
Puppy: Our vet’s office has a store?
Me: No, I worked at a store that has no connection to our vet.
Puppy: I don’t understand. When we get swallowed by that big monster that makes me feel like throwing up…
Me: The car?
Puppy: Yes. When we get swallowed by that big car monster that makes me feel like throwing up, it takes us to the vet.
Me: Sometimes. But I control the car monster and where it goes.
Puppy: If you control the car monster, then why do you let it swallow you?
Me: I have to be inside it to control it.
Puppy: That’s weird.
Me: Anyway, when you’re with me, we usually only go to the vet. But when you’re not with me, I go other places.
Puppy: (Avoiding looking at me)
Me: What are you doing?
Puppy: I don’t like to look at things that are confusing. You’re confusing me right now.
Me: You know there’s places I go that you’ve never been.
Puppy: You mean at the vet, there’s places you go that I’ve never been?
Puppy: Then I don’t understand.
Me: That’s okay. We are going for a walk. Come here and I’ll put your leash on.
Puppy: Oh boy! I’ll help you put my leash on! (Spinning frantically)
Me: That’s not helping.
Puppy: Yes, it is! I will spin so fast, it will suck the leash to me and fuse it to my collar.
Me: Actually holding still would make it easier
Puppy: Trust me! I’m a dog. I know how leashes work
(5 minutes of spinning later)
Puppy: Oh, man. I was spinning as fast as I could and it still wasn’t fast enough.
Me (quickly attaching her leash): That’s okay, I got it.
Puppy: The leash is on. OPENTHEDOOROPENTHEDOOROPENTHEDOOR!!!
Me: Calm down. I’m doing it.
Puppy: I CAN’T CALM DOWN!! THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
Me: You mean the most exciting moment in your entire life since yesterday’s walk?
Puppy: Yes! I thought yesterday’s walk was the most exciting moment of my entire life, but I was wrong! This walk is even more exciting!
Puppy: Because it’s happening right now! (Bursting through the door) WE’RE FREEEEE!!!
(30 minutes later)
Puppy: Hey, wait a minute. This bush smells familiar. And that tree…I’ve seen that tree before. I…I think…I think we’re back on the block where we used to live.
Me: Used to live?
Puppy: Yeah. Remember forever ago when we left that house to take this great migration? I think…no, I’m sure now. We’ve somehow made our way back to that place we used to live! This is so exciting! Walk faster! HURRY!!! I want to see if it’s still there!
Me: If what’s still there?
Puppy: Our old house!
Me: Well, I remembered to unplug the coffee pot we left. Then I proceeded to check to make sure it was unplugged another three times before we left. So I can’t think of a reason the house wouldn’t still be there.
Puppy: Oh, I hope so, too! OH MY GOSH! There it is! This is it! This was our yard! And there! There’s the porch where the cats used to taunt me through the window! And there! There’s our old house! It’s so beautiful!
Me: Are you crying?
Puppy: When we left all those years ago…
Me: Thirty-one minutes.
Puppy: I never thought we’d see this place again. But here it is, just like I remember it! Oh, the porch steps still smells the same! Quick, let’s go inside and see if it looks the same!
Me: I promise you it hasn’t changed in half an hour.
Puppy: OPENTHEDOOROPENTHEDOOROPENTHEDOOR!!! THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! (Bursting through the door) WE’RE HOOOOOME!!!