Welcome back to my guide on infomercializationingizing.
For those of you who didn’t read the first half, let me sum up:
It was awesome.
And for those of you who read the first half, but have a terrible memory, here were steps 1-4:
Actually, I’ve forgotten the first step.
Step 2 was some sort of follow-up for the first one.
I’m not even sure I had a step 3.
And then there was something about pickles.
Now you’re caught up, let us continue.
Step 5) Now comes the price. This is a sensitive area for a lot of people. People will be willing to give you their first born child for this product up until you tell them that’s what it’s going to cost. Then they suddenly become very cheap. You have to tell them how much it’s going to cost, but if you do it right, they’ll have no idea how much it’s going to cost.
“You would be blessed to get this amazing product for only $5000. Our employees thank their lucky stars that they only have to pay $4000 for this phenomenal product. People who bought this infatuating product for only $3000 started religions dedicated to us. But if you order right now, you can get this flabbergasting product for only a few payments of $19.95, plus shipping, handling, and bribes.”
$19.95 is a really hard number to multiply by, so as long as you make the number of payments challenging, too, (like 17) no one will know what they’re paying. Not even you, which gives you plausible deniability should anyone ever accuse you of charging too much.
Step 6) Present great reviews of your product. (Don’t worry: you don’t need great reviews of your product in order to do this.)
For those testimonials where people sit in front of the camera and explain how your product saved their marriage and helped them regrow a kidney, you just need another group of actors. Then you make them legally change their last name to “Not an Actor”. That way, as they’re singing the praises that you wrote of your product, you can display their first name and “Not an Actor” on screen and that’s not a lie. It’s just their name. That’s why you never see a testimonial with someone’s full name. It’s never Susan Smith. It’s just Susan or Susan G. (her middle initial), followed by the words “Not an Actor”. Susan is an actor, but one desperate enough to change her legal name to Susan Garfunkle Not an Actor.
Written testimonials are much easier thanks to your friend, the ellipses. All you need for these are a review, and not even a good one.
If you can get someone to say “No one should buy this terrible product!” you can use ellipses to quote:
Maybe you’re lucky enough to get someone to say, “This product is useless, a horribly designed piece of trash, not to mention the greatest money-waster I’ve ever had presented to me for review.” Enter the ellipses:
“This product is…a…great…present…”
Or at the very least, if someone says, “This is definitely a scam product!” you can quote:
“This is definitely a…product!”
Step 7) Now all that’s left is to tell your viewers they can’t have this product. Emphasize that it’s not sold in stores (even if it is, you can still say this as long as there’s a couple stores in existence that don’t carry your product, like a Mom-and-Pop jerky store in Alaska and the Smithsonian gift shop).
Make sure the viewers know this commercial is going to be over in only another twenty-seven minutes and who knows if it will ever air again (except for 3:30am, 4:00am, 4:30am, 5:00am, and 5:30am), and that twenty-seven minutes probably won’t give them enough time to get hold of one of your operators, who are all overworked fielding calls from all the people buying up all your product, which means you may have already sold-out of them!
Now just sit back and wait for the 17 payments of $19.95 to start rolling in, which, if my calculations are correct, is probably upwards of $37.
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