People misuse the word “Fact” a lot.

And by “people”, I mean the internet.

And by “fact”, I mean “Michael Jackson comes out of hiding, admits to faking his own death, and throws support behind Trump, sources say.”

Even when people use the word “fact” correctly, it can still be misleading.

To prove my point, I’ve come up with some completely useless, confusing, and odd things that are technically facts.

I should warn you that to get to my technical facts, I have to use some actual, factual facts that you can look up and verify are all really true. As a result, you may accidentally learn something. Please consult your physician before learning anything.

(And I’m serious: you will not believe these things that I say are facts, but you can Google them and see they are all true!)

Fact: If you are ever swept up in an avalanche, you are supposed to flail as much as you can.  The idea is that you will create an open space around yourself that, when the snow settles, will provide you with a supply of air that will hopefully last until you are found. This is why I spend so much of my free time flailing, in case I ever decide to go somewhere there are avalanches. (That is a less factual fact.)

Fact: Conversely, though, if you are ever caught in quick sand, you are supposed to AVOID flailing because it will make you sink faster.

Which leads us to the Technical Fact: No one has ever survived a quicksand avalanche.

See how that works? It’s factual without being the least bit helpful or educational.

Let’s look at a few more.

Fact: When you are attacked by a shark, you are supposed to punch it in the nose. (That is also a factual fact, but no one ever believes me when I tell them that because it sounds like something I would make up. Sort of like my “tickling it will stop a rhino from charging” theory, which has gotten me banned from several zoos as well as the continent of Africa.)

Fact: On the other hand, violence never solves anything.

Technical Fact: Saving yourself from a shark attack does not solve your problem.

Fact: The average bank robber gets $2,500 from his heist.

Fact: The average retainer for a defense attorney for a federal case is $5,000.

Fact: 93% of bank robbers are caught.

Technical Fact: On average, robbing a bank costs $2,500.

Fact: The fear of long words is called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Technical Fact: The person who came up with that was a jerk.

Fact: The longest a chicken has ever been seen flying is 13 seconds.

Fact: Wilbur and Orville Wright’s first flight was 12 seconds.

Technical Fact: Wilbur and Orville’s first flight could have been on a chicken.

Fact: Over 10,000 people die from drunk driving accidents every year.

Fact: Over 10,000 birds die from flying into windows every year.

Technical Fact: We could save twice as many lives a year if, instead of convincing people not to drive drunk, we just threw drunk people through windows.

Fact: The average US household gets around 850 pieces of junk mail every year.

Fact: You swallow 1/10th of a calorie every time you lick a stamp.

Technical Fact: Junk mail contributes to the obesity epidemic in America.

Fact: Actor Hugh Jackman has never been divorced.

Fact: I have never been divorced.

Technical Fact: Hugh Jackman and I have never been divorced.

Fact: When you’re born, you have 300 bones.

Fact: As you age, some of your bones naturally fuse together, so adults only have 206 bones.

Technical Fact: Old people are less likely to be hunted by poachers.

Fact: In 1945, a chicken had its head cut off, but continued living for another 18 months. It didn’t starve because its owners shoved food in its neck.

Fact: The soap opera “As the World Turns” aired for 54 years.

Technical Fact: Humans can grow attached to anything; useless animals wandering around helplessly or even headless chickens.

I hope you have learned as little as possible from this article.  I know I technically did!

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