Today I have a few pitches for TV shows I’d like to make.

Cops. Everyone loves cop shows and, like Kardashians or political arguments on social media, you can just never have too many of them.

But here’s a twist that hasn’t been done before:

They’re not just cops. They’re also cats. Get it? They’re cats who are cops. That’s why I spelled “Cops” with a ‘C,’ for cat, instead of…wait…

Okay, we’ll make them kittens and call it “Kops”. Even better!

There’s so many ways you can set up the premise to make sense:

    • Two of the city’s best cops get turned into kittens by their arch nemesis, but they’re so dedicated, they decide to stay on the job while the good guys try to figure out how to turn them back into humans
    • Some hackers break into the police training facility’s computer and replace the pictures of the recruits who are graduating with pictures of kittens. But nobody realizes they’ve been hacked, so the kittens get put on the job. By the time the truth comes out, the kittens have proven themselves and get to stay
    • Don’t even bother explaining it. Just roll with it.

I envision this as a drama, but that doesn’t mean there’s not room for a little bit of comedy. Maybe the kittens have to go undercover at a dog show or as lifeguards, but they can’t stand the water.

Also, one of the kittens is trying to hunt down the mysterious killer who murdered his mother. That’s a requirement.

Reality? This is a reality show where cameras record contestants watching a reality TV program. People who watch shows like “The Bachelor” have really strong opinions about which contestants should get roses and which contestants should have to find and disarm the bomb over the active volcano.

Okay, I’ve never actually watched “The Bachelor”, so that may not be exactly how it goes. But I assume there has to be some sort of penalty for not pursuing the bachelor, because why else would people actually be sad to be getting off the show?

Anyway, you put a bunch of people in a room and make them watch a reality TV show and let them argue about which contestants they like and which ones are total jerks. Whoever makes the most and fastest judgments wins that week. They’re presented with the coveted “Winner’s Pizza” and the loser is over-dramatically driven away by the pizza delivery guy.

The remaining contestants don’t find out until the final episode that the reality show they’ve been watching the whole time is the reality show that they’re on. So they’ve been watching and judging themselves all along.

Did I mention we’ll put them all in mustaches so they don’t recognize themselves? That’s a key point.

Killing Cousins. It’s kind of a misleading title, but this is a charming cooking show where long-lost cousins get to meet for the first time and learn to cook a fancy meal. I think the title will really draw in viewers, as people who watch TV seem to have a disturbing obsession with killers.

The title may make it hard to get willing participants, though.

“I’m calling to ask if you’d like to be on our reality show? We’d like to reunite you with your long lost cousin and teach you both how to make flan. It’s called ‘Killing Cousins’. Hello? Hello?”

Escaping Twilight. This is like the walking dead, only instead of a ragtag group of humans, it’s a group of vampires. And instead of zombies, they’re being chased by tweener fan girls who want to marry them.  Scary.

Sell-Out Doc. This would basically be an hour long commercial for various “health” products with the goal of making as much money as possible off of them before they get taken off the market for causing death in most cases.

But this would be different than that show you’re thinking of because the doctor would also be a cat. That’s why I spelled “Doc” with a ‘C’ instead of…dang it!

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