Themeless Writing

Sometimes I feel left out, just like everyone does.

Hey, wait a minute…

I decided a good way to combat that was to come up with some stereotypes that will make me feel more normal.

I know what you’re thinking, “If everyone is losing socks in the dryer, why don’t socks just come in sets of 3?”

Well, normally I do embrace my weirdness. But you, the readers, have started expecting that of me, making it normal. So I have to do something strange and unexpected. And the only thing people don’t expect me to do is act normal.

So you see my conundrum. I’m stuck between a rock and an angry flamingo selling insurance.

But you knew I was going to say that.

I don’t generally fit into stereotypes. Except for being both Irish and aggressively pale. But eventually all my freckles will fuse and make me look tan.

In eager-anticipation of that amazing day, here are some new stereotypes I can fit into.

Dog lovers have small feet. I believe our obsession with small feet has to do with the Chinese tradition of foot-binding. I think the Chinese have put mind-control devices in everything we buy from them that secretly repeat subliminal messages about how small feet are attractive. Just a theory.

Before you get jealous of my small feet, I invite you to look at this graph about size of feet and how it relates to amount of time spent falling down:

What’s that dip and peak about? That’s a meaningless dip and peak to make it look like more of an official graph. Sorry, people with size 7 feet.

But the great thing about this stereotype is that it will make people feel good about themselves. And after all, isn’t that what stereotypes are all about?

If you love dogs, you will naturally look at your feet and think “They are kind of small, aren’t they?”, even if they aren’t particularly. So everyone’s a winner. Except for people who don’t like dogs. But those people obviously have bigger problems than just their ginormous feet.

Creative people are skinny. This is of course based on the age-old saying “You burn more calories writing a book than running a marathon.” Don’t believe that? Well more people suffer from running-related injuries than carpal tunnel syndrome every year, and yet we have an obesity epidemic. You do the math.

Maniacal people are sexy. You’re just saying that because otherwise I’ll exact horrible revenge on you in a way you’ll never see coming. And I’m okay with that.

People who’s favorite color is purple are also the smartest. I feel like this one is self-explanatory. Purple is awesome. It survived both Barney and that one weird Teletubby with the man purse. No other color could persevere through such trauma.

Successful people wear pajama pants for several hours every day.* This one fits me to a T. I wear pajama pants a lot and I work from home, supporting myself entirely with ideas, exactly like Steve Jobs, except I don’t have a beard or money.

But this one has an *asterisk because it does not apply to people who wear their pajama pants in public. I’m a blogger with a Twitter account and I am telling you to have some self-respect. That should be a wake-up call.

The more knick-knacks a person has, the less likely they are to ever be mugged. Let me put it this way: if I had been on the Titanic, the boat would have sunk while sitting at the dock because of the sheer weight from my bobble-heads alone. Lives could have been saved. Someday I’ll elaborate in my post entitled “How Bobble-Heads Could Have Saved Lives Throughout History”. (Side note: That was a joke, but now I really want to write it!)

And this is another one that is rooted in reality. If I were to actually dust all these knick-knacks I have, I would never leave my house, thus protecting me from getting mugged.

Night-owls are great at parallel parking. I want to be good at parallel parking.

Short people make the best friends. This one is absolutely true. You know why? Because we shorties (I’m reclaiming that word for short people everywhere!) share our left-over leg room. If we’re sitting behind you in the car, you can always move your seat back to give your legs more room. You can always put something by our feet so it’s out of your way because we aren’t using that space.  And in fact, we LIKE having your stuff on our floor-space because then we can put our feet on it and pretend that our feet are actually touching the ground.

If you’re a tall person, you NEED a short friend.

If you’ve been looking for a short friend, I am available. But full disclosure: I should warn you, I am very, very sexy.