(If you’re wondering why I have a picture of a crab quoting Henry V, the answer is simple: I like Shakespeare.  And the crab looked like he could pull the roll off.)

(This post is about nature and a crab is something that can be found in nature.)

(You see how it’s all coming together now?)

One time I saw an ad on TV that said something about “Inside you is an outdoors you, who thinks the comforts of home aren’t as comfortable as the great outdoors.”

That is not true.

Inside me is a me that asks “Should we build a fort inside the house so that we can be even more indoors than we already are?”

Nature is pretty, but also a terrible host.

Picture this: a friend invites you to stay at their mansion (oooh!) and they tell you, “By the way, there may be snakes in the bed you’ll be sleeping on. And my entire house is infested with bugs. And I don’t have a toilet, but you can use the bushes.”

You probably wouldn’t stay at that friend’s mansion, no matter how extravagant it was.

Well that friend is Mother Nature. She is not a good housekeeper.

And it doesn’t help my relationship with the great outdoors that I am pale. Really pale. No, even more pale than you are picturing.

Here’s a recent picture of me where someone used the flash:

I saved this pic because, despite the obvious flaws, I like the way my hair looks in this one.

Needlesstosay, there is not enough sunscreen in the world to protect me from the sun. I get sunburned in the shade. I get sunburned during eclipses. When the weatherman puts the happy little sun graphic on TV, I have to change the channel as fast as I can before the graphic of the sun burns me.

Recently I witnessed something very disturbing in Nature. It was lying dead in the sidewalk’s gutter, like pedestrian roadkill. I t made me want to shout, “Get a room, Nature! And put all your dead things into it instead of leaving them all lying around willy-nilly.”

Besides being disturbed by this dead thing in my path, I was also disturbed that I didn’t know what it was. It was like some mad scientist had shrunk a beaver down and given it a rat tail.

Apparently this is called a “muskrat”. I did not love muskrats like the song “Muskrat Love” suggests I would. I found them to be disturbing and, frankly, unnatural. And Nature should not be allowed to make things that are unnatural.

All this has led me to take some drastic measures.

I felt I had no choice but to speak out.

Thus, My Yelp Review of Nature:

I went out into nature hoping to have a nice afternoon. Unfortunately I was very disappointed by my experience, to the point that I think I should warn people before they waste their time in Nature.

It started pleasant enough. Nature has a nice look to it. The atmosphere is very under-stated, but pleasant. It has a sort of modern-fusion mix of nitrogen and oxygen that’s popular right now, with just the right touch of other gases.

On one particular visit I decided to walk through one of Nature’s meadows. There was a pond there. It was very still and the sunset was reflecting over the glass-like water, in between the reeds that were growing through it. There was a pair of ducks just sitting calmly, confident in the safety of their sanctuary.

I was thinking, “I wonder if I could find a place of such peace inside myself?”

In that moment, do you know what hit me? A face-full of gnats, that’s what. Some went into my nose and I’m not sure they all came out. What the heck, Nature? This is why we don’t commune more often.

Their cleanliness is severely lacking. Everywhere you look, there’s something growing: weeds, mold, fungus. Nature apparently abhors to vacuum. You may also get pooped on. I’m surprised the health department hasn’t shut them down considering the dirt they keep their food in, not to mention all the animals that wander through.

Nature’s customer service is terrible. It’s rare that I leave Nature without some sort of bite, scratch, bruise, burn, or at the very least, itchy eyes. Patrons may get the feeling that Nature does not care for them at all.

Nature does run a variety of interesting shows. They have everything from lighter-fare, such as clouds, to more somber displays, like volcanic eruptions. Most of their stuff is family-friendly, though their springtime shows do tend to include sexual-content. It’s worth noting their popular night productions do include many stars.

I would only recommend Nature for people who have or want a strong constitution.

My work here is done.

If you need me, I’ll be in my fort, applying sunscreen and planning my all-shellfish version of Hamlet.