Themeless Writing

I had a bad day the other day. I didn’t order it or anything. It just showed up on my doorstep. I tried marking it “return to sender”, but the mailman wouldn’t take it back.

They say when you have a bad day, you should take a moment to be grateful for the good things. They say that because they’ve clearly never had a bad day. I don’t know about “they”, but when I’m having a bad day, there are no good things. Everything looks like this:

That’s why, when I’m in a good mood, I try to take pictures of the positives so I can remember them when I’m in a bad mood.

For example: I’m grateful that I’m not the person who invented these:

Those are real glow-in-the-dark dog poo bags, available at big chain pet supply stores.

I can’t think of a single practical application for these. Luckily I thought of several impractical ones:

-Encouraging responsible pet ownership. Picking up after your dog is important for their health and the health of other dogs. With these glow-in-the-dark poo bags, karma thanks you by making you more visible and thus less likely to get hit by a car when you’re carrying a nice full, glowing bag of poo. That other guy, the one who never picks up after their dog, gets hit by a car instead. When the ambulance comes, he gets run over by that, too, all because he lacks glow-in-the-dark visibility.

-How much cooler would your night juggling of poo bags look with glow-in-the-dark bags? You could take that show on the road, or at least to YouTube.

-On your walk, you stumble onto a crime scene. Literally. You trip over the body, all because the police ran out of crime scene tape. You save the day with your roll of glowing poo bags. In gratitude, the city forgives all your parking tickets, saving you millions of dollars (You’re really bad at parking).

-It’s late at night when suddenly you and your dog are abducted by aliens with an unearthly glow. They plan on learning about humans by lobotomizing you. Your only chance to escape is to disguise yourself as an alien by taping together your glow-in-the-dark poo bags into a glowing alien costume. You make it back to Earth, warn humanity, and we go all Independence Day fighting them off. Humanity is saved, all thanks to your wise choice in poo bags.

I guarantee you those applications are way better than anything the guy came up with when he pitched his glowing poo bag idea to corporate.

I’ll tell you something else about that guy. When he has a bad day, he’s grateful he’s not the person who invented these:

These are also real scratch & sniff poo bags and were on the display next to the glow-in-the-dark ones.

How many terrible ideas did that dude have before, that the company said “OK” to this one?

Dude: No one wants to smell their dogs poo, but what if we could change that? Just scratch the bag, then put your nose to it and be instantly enveloped by the scent of fruit. And not just any fruits. Exotic ones, like pomegranate mango, for the discerning sniffer.

CEO: You know what? Compared to your ideas for edible ones, joke exploding ones, and the ones that play “It’s a Small World” on a continuous loop when filled, this one is brilliant. Here’s a million dollars.

The only reason I could ever see for these is if you love pomegranates or mangoes, but then find out you’re deathly allergic to them. Associating the very smell of them with your dog’s poo should help you go cold turkey. So, when you think about it, this dude may have saved lives.

I bet even the people who’s lives he saved make fun of him and his invention, though.

But even that dude has something to be grateful for when he has a poopy day.

He’s got the scent of pomegranate mango.