Themeless Writing

(This post is subtitled “You Don’t Know How Close I Came to Drawing a Bikini on a Book to Complete the Beauty Pageant Theme”.  Just FYI.)

Books should be judged by their cover.

For example, this book, newly available in paperback, is clearly one of the best books ever:

You can tell just by looking at it. Even a periphery glance at it tells you this book was well written, with unexpected twists, by an author with delightfully small feet.

That’s what I get out of it anyway.

I was recently at a book store.

Okay, that’s not really newsworthy. It happens a lot.

The surprising part is that I left with two bags of books! That’s less than normal.

I love books. I love things that have the mere shape of books. Yet another reason why I’ve never married: I have yet to find a man shaped similar enough to a book.

I have to judge books to keep from buying them all. Since I don’t have time to read all the books, I have to judge them on something other than their insides. And it has been my experience that, even though you may be in a used book store where the books already have some wear-and-tear, the clerks still do not like it when you judge books by how far you can throw them. Flammability is also out of the question, although I cannot go into detail until the court case is settled.

And so we’re left with the covers.

There’s two parts of a cover to consider.

1.) The front. This is usually located on the front of the book. If you’re looking at the front of the book and don’t see the front, check the back.

I judge the front with simple mathematics:

Count the number of swooning women on the cover. Multiply that number by 1. If the total is greater or equal to 1, then I don’t buy the book.

Also the number of bellybuttons visible on a book cover is inversely proportional to how much I would enjoy that book.

2.) The back. The location of the back of a book varies by region. The back of the book usually has a blurb on it about the plot of the book or lack thereof.

To judge the back, I compare the blurb to a consolidated book blurb I wrote myself. The more similar the two blurbs sound, the less likely I am to buy that book.

Here is my comparison blurb:

Steve is a disgruntled-but-beautiful, sexy-but-attractive, and all around appealing single woman with a man’s name, because apparently that’s really “in” right now. She lives in the small town of Rural in the state of Midwest, dirt capital of the world. Despite her gritty and sexy determination, her world has fallen apart around her. Her husband, who so lacked redeeming qualities that you wonder how Steve ever agreed to a second date with him, let alone marriage, ran off with her best friend, running over the family dog as they left. Steve’s boss is a sexist jerk, but everyone lets him get away with it because the author said so.

But Steve’s problems don’t end there: she dropped her phone in the toilet, her house burned down, she wrote a really funny post on facebook but nobody “liked” it, she won a lifetime supply of ice cream but her freezer broke so it all melted, it’s the worst hay-fever season in recorded history, and somebody on the internet spoilered an episode of “The Walking Dead” before she could watch it.

When she finds out her brother in New York City was murdered under mysterious circumstances, she knows she’s the only one who can solve the murder. Because those big city police all lack her gritty, small-town, sexy street-smarts.

Steve quickly realizes there’s more to her brother’s sexy murder than meets the eye.

Something supernatural is going on here, but can Steve figure it out in time despite the sexy fact that she is actually incredibly incompetent? Of course she can, because she’s got attitude, and that’s really all you need to fix any and all situations!

When she meets a mysterious, sexy detective, they’re thrown together, despite their obvious hatred of each other. They seriously can’t stand one another. Everything they say to each other is a sharp, witticism. Surely as soon as they solve the crime, they’ll get away from each other as fast as they can since there’s no way these two could ever be friends, let alone have a chance of falling in love! Ha! Just the thought of these two as a couple makes me laugh incredulously. These are two people who will just definitely never fall in love. Ever. Like that would be the most unexpected thing in the history of forever. So don’t expect that. Cuz that’s definitely NOT what’s going to possibly not happen.

Discovering a dark world of evil vampire wizards who are responsible for her brother’s death, Steve realizes she should have said “Spoiler alert” or maybe not announced that on the back of the book when that basically makes the first 200 pages of the book moot, as the author spends those first 200 pages building to that as a big reveal on page 210.  Just act surprised when you read it.

Entering this forbidden world of magic and passion will push Steve to her very limits and cause anyone who reads that sentence to die a little inside.

Follow Steve on her coming-of-age-even-though-she’s-like-40 tale of passion, adventure, lust, forbidden fruit, intrigue, sex, sex, intrigue, and MURDER. With the help of the sexy detective, Steve will learn not only about the strength of the secret, but sexy, world of vampire wizards, but also the strength of her heart. (This last sentence can also be used to induce vomiting, in case this book is accidentally ingested.)

*  * *

If the blurb on the back of the book I’m looking at doesn’t sound similar, then I know I’ve finally found a book to take home to meet my parents.

I hope this helps in your future book buying.