Day five without internet.
Is the world still out there?
I don’t know if Kim and Kanye are still together.
I don’t know who’s going to appear on what controversial magazine cover.
I don’t know what insulting things my friends have said to each other over political debates on social media.
But that’s all the upside.
I think the hardest part is knowing Google is out there somewhere with information I would like to have, but we just can’t get to each other.
For a while, I was calling my sister and pretending she was Siri:
Me: Movie times, theater closest to my house.
Sister: I looked those up for you an hour ago.
Me: I failed to write them down. And don’t talk back, Siri. Also, I need coupons to the Mexican restaurant by the theater.
Sister: I’m a thirty minute drive away from you.
Me: Wow, that’s a long time to download. I’ll wait. Play me some music while we wait.
Now not only is my internet down, but my calls to my sister aren’t going through either for some reason.
So whenever I really need to Google something (ie: “Could you even make a great dane chihuahua mix? And would the puppies all be different sizes?”), I’m driving to the nearest coffee shop with free wifi. Then I go in, find my answer, and buy a small coffee for the use of their wifi.
I don’t even like coffee. I’m not saying I don’t drink it. I like mornings less than I like coffee. So I drink coffee, but I don’t like it. I have also needed to Google a lot lately, which has had the unfortunate side effect of me not being able to sleep/sit still in the last 36 hours. If my internet is going to be down much longer, I think I’m going to have to find an alternative source of free wifi that sells something I actually want to buy. Like a puppy rescue.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why did I buy a shirt that was dry clean only? I don’t even know where the dry cleaners is.”
There’s a simple answer to that: I am able to keep posting to my blog despite my lack of internet access through the generous support of my sister, umm…wow, I should really know her name. If I could just log onto facebook, I’m sure I would recognize her picture and could get her name that way. I think it starts with a ‘P’. Well, let’s just call her Siri.
Siri has great internet access and, as it turns out, poor password-choice. I got “Please_don’t_use_my_wifi_Veronica!” on my second guess. That was her first mistake. Also, she entrusted me with a key to her house. That was her second first mistake.
So, regardless of how long my home internet access problems take to solve, I will be able to keep posting as promised, provided Siri keeps working later than I do. And doesn’t keep a close watch on how much ice cream she has. And doesn’t find it strange that there’s dog poo in her backyard when she doesn’t have a dog (I can’t write this without my puppy. She keeps track of all my syntax for me.)
I don’t think Siri’s very observant, though.
If I’m thinking of the right person.
I have a lot of sisters to keep straight. I have…at least two. I bet Google could tell me for sure.
The worst part of not having internet, besides not being sure who you’re related to, is not being able to obsess over how my blog is doing. Blog analytics are more addicting than crack. I can’t cite the study that proves that right now because I haven’t finished my cup of coffee yet from when I wanted to know why you’re not supposed to eat re-frozen ice cream. But you start out checking your blog analytics only once in a while. And then you start to think, “Wow! 2 views in Greece! I don’t even know anybody who lives there. I wonder if they like puppy humor in Greece?” So then you have to check your analytics more to see if your blog is going to go viral in Greece.
Pretty soon you’re spending more time pouring over your analytics than you are writing blog posts.
Me: (Typing)”Umm…My puppy is adorable and she does some really funny stuff sometimes. Something about my puppy acting like an angry flamingo. (Insert picture of angry flamingo here).” Post.
Alright, Netherlands. You’re not going to let Greece have more views than you, are you? You’d better hurry or you’re going to fall behind Romania.
As it stands, I have no idea if anyone is still reading my blog. I haven’t been able to promote it and it’s easy to disappear on the internet when you don’t want to (yet hard to when you DO want to). Without my nudging, will people forget about me? Even in Greece, where they obviously love me?
I hope you’re still there and I hope I have gone viral in Greece and I hope my heart doesn’t give out from all this coffee.
Please share my blog with your friends since I can’t right now! Thanks!
May 2, 2016 at 8:38 am
Did you hear the news? Kim Kardashian is now dating Jethro Bodine. They make a fine looking couple. You can read all about it at my Agent 54 blog post titled “Whee Doggie!”