I have decided to try acupuncture. Why? Because it’s there. It’s supposed to be able to help a variety of problems. Maybe it can even help me with this writing addiction I seem to have.

I’m also hoping it will be like couple’s therapy for me and my liver, who have not been on good terms for some time now.

Me: You never appreciate or even acknowledge all that I do for you!

Liver: Oh, like what?

Me: I don’t drink, just for you!

Liver: You don’t even like the taste of alcohol! And what about all that Dr. Pepper? That cannot be good for me.

Me: You leave Dr. Pepper out of this!

Liver: If you love Dr. Pepper so much, maybe I should just leave and let Dr. Pepper handle all the toxins in your body!

Me: I bet he could do it, and with less complaining!

Liver: He can’t handle toxins. He is a toxin!

Me: You shut your mouth!

Liver: I’M A LIVER! I DON’T HAVE A MOUTH!

Me: THEN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ARGUING WITH ME?

Liver: BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION!

Me: MAYBE YOU HAVE AN OVERACTIVE ANTHROPOMORPHISM!

Liver: YOU NEVER MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Me: OH, YEAH? WELL, SO’S YOUR FACE!!!

And it just gets uglier from there. Sometimes I think we only stay together for the sake of the kidneys.

Having never had acupuncture, I’m not sure what to expect. Other than pokeyness.

Speaking of pokeyness, do you remember in elementary school when boys would take anything sharp they could get hold of (staples, thumbtacks, safety pins, etc) and stick it into the skin on their fingers and then show all the girls to gross them out? This was their form of flirting. It is a step above some of the pick up lines I’ve heard from theoretically grown men. In fact, I often hand these theoretically grown men sharp objects and tell them where to stick it. So I’ve come full circle.

I never went for the guys who did this finger mutilation. I did, however, have a crush on the guy who would pretend to jam a short pencil up one nostril, then sneeze it out the opposite nostril. My primitive senses told me that guy would be a good provider for our children. At least as far as we’d never be low on pencils.

Remember when we were talking about acupuncture? Let’s relive those moments.

I’m not really afraid of the pokeyness. I’ve had lots of blood drawn for tests and even gave blood once. I kind of had a bad experience giving blood, though.

The guy collected all the blood they needed and then he was checking my vitals.

Then he called someone else over to check my vitals.

Then they called two other people over to check my vitals.

I asked if something might possibly be wrong that I should know about. That’s when they admitted that they had lost my blood pressure and couldn’t find it. I guess they had removed my blood pressure to get better access to my blood, then someone had set it somewhere and now they couldn’t remember where. Anyone could have just walked off with it.

So I ended up having to sit in the chair for another hour while they tried to find my blood pressure and checked online to see if they could buy me a used one off eBay.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t die. And the used blood pressure I got from “<3<3MarryMeBenedictCumberbatch!!!37” only had a few superficial scratches on it.

My blood draws usually go much smoother.  Except my last one.

I recently went for a blood draw with a phlebotomist-in-training who they said had done this lots of times before. I don’t like to call a phlebotomist a liar, but she had the sweaty brow and shaky hands of someone who was about to jam a needle into someone for the very first time. Or perhaps a drug addict who has not jammed a needle into someone in too long of a time.

Either way, she did not inspire confidence. She had a lot of trouble finding a vein.

Let’s face it, she was so nervous, she had trouble finding my arm. But I talked her through the process and gave her a sticker afterwords, so she was fine.

Needlesstosay needles don’t scare me. Did you read that “Needles-to-say”? Because I did and I knew what I had written.  Which leads me to my next point:

You can’t spell “Needlesstosay” without “Needles”.  Or “Stosay” for that matter.

Back to acupuncture.

I do have to wonder what will happen if I sneeze? Will I shoot needles like a porcupine? Cuz that would be kind of awesome.

I would like to have that power in everyday life. For example, if I see a drunk driver on the road, all I have to do is roll down my window and sneeze until I blow out his tires, and just like that, I’ve saved lives.

In summation, I have a lot of thoughts that have nothing to do with acupuncture, am not afraid of needles, and would like to know the effects of sneezing while acupuncturizationing.

Post-Accupuncture update: It was in fact pokey. And, sadly, the only time I sneezed while I was there was when I was still in the waiting room. So the world may never know.