You know those commercials for the dog food that’s all natural? You know the ones. They brag all about how their food is made with real stuff like blueberries. Apparently these people have gotten confused. I don’t think they own a real dog. I think they somehow ended up with a vegetarian for a pet. Because when my dog eats blueberries, I get them back again in the most unpleasant ways.

Some of the natural dog food commercials say they are “the food your dog would pick if your dog had a stable job that made her eligible for a credit card, and could figure out which bus goes to the pet food store”.

First of all, I can’t even figure out which bus goes to the pet food store. Buses are confusing, no matter your species. Cities do this on purpose. They can’t just have people riding the buses all willy-nilly.

Secondly, I question anyone who tells me that my dog, armed with a credit card, would buy food made of blueberries.

For one thing, she’d probably max out the credit card paying random people on the bus to give her belly-rubs.

Secondly, my puppy is not a cat. She does not have discerning tastes. The second most common phrase she hears (after “You’re so adorable!”) is “Hey, that’s not food! Don’t eat that!”

I’ve had to say it in the bathroom, in the backyard, in the basement, and various other locations where I know for a fact there is nothing edible.

This is how a dog’s discernment works:

Should I Eat This Dog Chart

So, assuming she had any credit left, my puppy would buy whatever dog food was closest to the front door. Even if it wasn’t technically food, but still fit inside her mouth.

Then there’s the commercials that say their dog food is made with the ingredients your dog would choose.

THAT is a horrifying concept. Imagine for a moment the sorts of ingredients a real dog would cook with.

You don’t have to imagine it because here it is:

Dog Food Ingredients

That is why I have had to take up cooking. My dog is no longer allowed to cook. Or order pizzas. (“Does lint topping cost extra?”)

My point is if God had intended for dogs to be responsible for the production of their food, he would have given them (1) better taste buds and (2) whisks instead of paws.

I’m still not sure why I’m expected to produce my own food.

Advertisements