You know those commercials for the dog food that’s all natural? You know the ones. They brag all about how their food is made with real stuff like blueberries. Apparently these people have gotten confused. I don’t think they own a real dog. I think they somehow ended up with a vegetarian for a pet. Because when my dog eats blueberries, I get them back again in the most unpleasant ways.
Some of the natural dog food commercials say they are “the food your dog would pick if your dog had a stable job that made her eligible for a credit card, and could figure out which bus goes to the pet food store”.
First of all, I can’t even figure out which bus goes to the pet food store. Buses are confusing, no matter your species. Cities do this on purpose. They can’t just have people riding the buses all willy-nilly.
Secondly, I question anyone who tells me that my dog, armed with a credit card, would buy food made of blueberries.
For one thing, she’d probably max out the credit card paying random people on the bus to give her belly-rubs.
Secondly, my puppy is not a cat. She does not have discerning tastes. The second most common phrase she hears (after “You’re so adorable!”) is “Hey, that’s not food! Don’t eat that!”
I’ve had to say it in the bathroom, in the backyard, in the basement, and various other locations where I know for a fact there is nothing edible.
This is how a dog’s discernment works:
So, assuming she had any credit left, my puppy would buy whatever dog food was closest to the front door. Even if it wasn’t technically food, but still fit inside her mouth.
Then there’s the commercials that say their dog food is made with the ingredients your dog would choose.
THAT is a horrifying concept. Imagine for a moment the sorts of ingredients a real dog would cook with.
You don’t have to imagine it because here it is:
That is why I have had to take up cooking. My dog is no longer allowed to cook. Or order pizzas. (“Does lint topping cost extra?”)
My point is if God had intended for dogs to be responsible for the production of their food, he would have given them (1) better taste buds and (2) whisks instead of paws.
I’m still not sure why I’m expected to produce my own food.
May 23, 2016 at 7:15 am
I eat stuff.
May 23, 2016 at 2:08 pm
This is the most hilarious thing I have read all week, and its so true! I’ve had lots of dogs over the years, and not one of them would have ever chosen blueberries unless the only other option was a cement block. Then again, I had a dog that used to love to shred soda cans…so who knows about cement blocks?
I’m going to share this around so we can all be thankful together that dogs aren’t allowed to own restaurants. And because your dog food ingredient chart is so accurate it hurts.
May 23, 2016 at 9:46 pm
June 19, 2016 at 12:47 am
Just real talk. My dog will munch anything within her reach. But that was when she was still a pup. Now that she’s an adult, she just likes tearing and ripping everything, but she doesn’t eat them anymore. I can relate with your ingredient chart as it’s 100% true.