I had some good news recently. It turns out I’m basically immortal.

So make sure you follow my blog now because in a million years, it’s going to be famous as the longest running blog in history. Then you can say that you were a part of it back near the beginning.

You’ll be dead, of course. But that shouldn’t stop you. By then someone will have developed the technology for people who are technically dead to still be able to brag to the living.

I come from a very tall family (this is my segway into immortality). Unfortunately my genes did not get the memo. I am what medical science refers to as “inconclusive”.

I’m also short.

Added to that, I’m the youngest in my family.

All that together means that I spent most of my youth scrambling with my little legs to keep up with all the older, taller people.

Have you seen those little tiny dogs that have to move their legs so fast that they become a blur just to keep up with a casually sauntering human? That’s basically what it was like for me growing up.

But when I did become at least slightly taller, my legs were already used to moving at that speed. So now when I walk, it is inhumanly fast. Now I leave all the older, taller people in the dust.

I’m not an athlete, but I’m pretty sure I could easily show up Olympic speed walkers if I could just keep from falling down laughing because of how goofy Olympic speed walkers look.

If you’ve never seen Olympic speed walking, your life is not complete. Picture a child at the pool who has to pee really badly.  He’s already gotten yelled at for running by the pool, so his solution is to slow to a stiff jog while trying to maintain the air of someone who is just walking. That’s what it looks like. Only it’s adults.

Recently I found this scientific study that says basically the faster you walk, the longer you’ll live. And this study is serious because they have both graphs AND tables.

And just look at this graph about accuracy of studies that have graphs and tables:

Accuracy and Graphs

First of all, I’d like to say “Neener-neener” to all the runners out there.

Secondly, this is not new information. Even our prehistoric ancestors knew that the faster you walked, the less likely you were to be caught in a rock slide. Or hit over the head and dragged back by your hair to some prehistoric guy’s cave as his new bride. (Yet another reason I’m still single). Or trampled by prehistoric telemarketers riding mammoths (because phones hadn’t been invented yet, so telemarketers had to chase after you on mammoth and shout at you that you’d won a trip to Mexico in a contest you never even entered. Then if you tried to cut them off to tell them you weren’t interested, they might just trample you with their mammoth. We’re lucky to live in modern times.)

The examples continue throughout all of history.  Only fast-walking Victorians were able to escape vampires. My European ancestors obviously managed to walk briskly away from the Black Plague. And all those people in those time periods we didn’t cover in public school (most of them), walking hurriedly away from all those dangers that were dangerous in those days, whenever they were.

Why, even the famous Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan knew that fast walking was important to keep from getting eaten by sea monsters.  If you saw a sea monster, on one side of the boat, you needed to get to the other side of the boat where it couldn’t reach you (sea monsters had shorter arms back then). But you couldn’t run, because that might cause the boat to tip. A brisk walk saved your life while also keeping you afloat!

Unfortunately, Magellan failed to realize that the same principle applied on dry land.

(That was some highly educational humor. I apologize.)

The point is that, based on this study and the fact that I walk faster than everyone I know, I figure my life span is going to be nearly forever.

Which leaves me with quite a bit of time to fill.

Maybe I’ll study some history.

Or eat ice cream.

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