This was in my “Trending Topics” on Facebook recently:

FB Newsfeed Bonds

First of all, I hope they ship the new glass iPhone to people pre-smashed to save time. Because if there’s one thing I’ve heard people say about their smart phones, it’s that they wish their phone was less durable. Now if only they could come up with a way to make the phones less able to make or receive calls, they’d really be onto something!

Secondly, how many James Bonds are they casting in the next movie? I thought 007 was his rank or suit size or something. I didn’t think it meant that in any given movie, there could be at least seven James Bonds.

And why wasn’t I called? I would play a great supporting James Bond.

I am the first to admit that I do not have what it takes to play a leading James Bond. My Sean Connery impersonation sounds suspiciously like SpongeBob Squarepants. (Oddly enough, my SpongeBob Squarepants impression sounds like Sean Bean. I’m really terrible at impressions.) But if they’re making a film with 7 or 8 James Bonds in it, I’m a natural choice. I could pull off a very poignant James Bond #5.

I could even play #4 if I lost a few pounds.

I’m not a huge Bond fan myself, but I would pay real money to watch the sitcom-like situation that is apparently unfolding as they try to cast this movie:

(The scene: a very 90’s living room, because it’s actually illegal to film a sitcom that doesn’t take place in a very 90’s living room)

Steve: Uh-oh!

Brad: What’s wrong, Steve? I haven’t seen you looking this worried since you accidentally had 2 dates to the prom! Or that time you missed an important engagement because you accidentally locked yourself in the basement and/or a broken elevator.

Steve: This is way worse than either of those times, Brad! You know how I’m supposed to be casting the next James Bond film?

Brad: Yeah?

Steve: I think I accidentally promised the part to too many actors.

Brad: Gee, that is a big uh-oh! How many James Bonds did you hire?

Steve: 37.

Brad: 37?! How did you do that?

Steve: It’s that darn reply-all button! Who even invented that?

Brad: Probably the same guy who invented the glass cell phone.

Steve: What am I going to do?

Brad: You’ll just have to tell 36 of them that you made a mistake.

Steve: I can’t! They’re all showing up to the studio to sign their contracts in ten minutes!

Brad: 10 minutes?! How long ago did you send that group email?

Steve: Two months ago.

Brad: Why didn’t you say something sooner?

Steve: Because I locked myself in the basement again, okay?

Brad: You’ve been in the basement for two months? Why didn’t you knock on the door so I could let you out?

Steve: I was too embarrassed. It’s the seventeenth time it’s happened this year.

Brad: You really do seem to have a problem with that door. Anyway, don’t worry. I think I have a plan!

Steve: To keep me from getting locked in the basement?

Brad: No. About the James Bond thing. But we’re both going to have to dress like women for this to work!

Steve: Why is that your solution to everything?

I think the show could make it at least three seasons (1 good one and 2 where people say “I keep hoping it’ll go back to being like that first season”) And these days, with as fast as TV channels create and then cancel series, TV series get counted in dog years. So 3 seasons is like 21 seasons, which is a good run.

I’d love to finish this blog post, but I gotta go practice my SpongeConnery BeanPants impression, just in case.

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