I like Disney music. I’m not ashamed. Particularly because for some reason, most of the people who have ever told me it’s embarrassing that an adult likes Disney songs are smoking cigarettes at the time. All I can think about as they’re mocking me is the great Disney medley I’m going to sing at their funeral. I think I’ll open with something tasteful, like “Cruella De Vil”.

I was feeding a friend’s cat while she was on vacation (the friend, not the cat. If the cat had gone on vacation, we could have skipped all this trouble). This cat has never really mastered eating, so you have to sit and watch it while it attempts to eat to make sure it doesn’t choke. Sitting around my friend’s apartment, I filled the time by hacking into my friend’s Pandora and listening to Disney music. Loudly.

Then I became concerned. What if one of her neighbors called the police?

Neighbor: Hello, police? The woman in the apartment next to me left for a vacation yesterday and now I’m hearing noises in her apartment. I think someone has broken in.  How soon can you get here? I can hear them listening to Disney songs very loudly. So would you mind using excessive force?

I started bringing headphones. The cat tried to eat them. My friend’s cat is kind of an idiot.

Most recently I’ve been listening to the soundtrack of Mulan. There’s a song in there sung by the male lead and I was listening to it on repeat, enjoying his voice and picturing the sexy Asian man who was probably singing it.

I should have just continued imagining. But I decided I wanted to know what he looked like. And if he were single. And if he ever took lonely bloggers out for gluten-free pizza.

First I found the picture of the man who did the speaking voice and he was a fairly good looking Asian man. But I had to look a little harder to find out what dreamboat did the singing.

Long story short: I spent a good half-hour of my life unknowingly thinking Donny Osmond was sexy and I may never recover.

How did Donny Osmond get cast in Mulan? Frozen, sure. But Mulan? I wanna know who pitched that idea.

Disney Director: Well, we’ve cast our male lead, but he can’t sing, so we still need someone to do the singing parts. Let’s brainstorm. It’s the story of Mulan…it takes place in China…

Disney Employee: Donny Osmond!

Director: Excuse me?

Employee: Donny Osmond. He’s a great singer.

Director: Did you even hear what we’re casting for?

Employee: Doesn’t matter. Donny Osmond can do it!

Director: Who are you?

Employee: Donny Osmond.

Director: You work here?

Employee: I must. I can’t figure out any other way I got cast as the singing voice in Mulan.

Or something like that.

The point is they should really put some sort of warning label on the CD so that unsuspecting young women like myself know not to let the pleasing vocals lull us into some sort of romantic daydream. Because I would NOT swoon into his arms if Donny Osmond showed up on my doorstep on a horse wearing no shirt (him or the horse).

Not that I’d care to admit anyway.

And that’s all I care to talk about Donny Osmond now.

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