Independence Day: it’s as American as apple pie, assuming that it is a gluten free, dairy free, nut free, soy free, free-range, fair trade, organic apple pie.

It’s as American as illegal fireworks.

It’s as American as great movies that have thrown-together sequels that don’t even try to be good because the producers know movie theaters don’t offer refunds.

I thought in honor of July 4th, the day when Americans celebrate their independence, it would be fun to talk a little bit about American history.

Then I read the comment sections of several historical websites and decided that it would in fact not be fun to talk about American history.

So then I decided to talk about something innocuous, like flowers. But then I went to several websites dedicated entirely to the niceness of flowers and read the comments section and decided that wouldn’t be any fun either.

Thus I am back to history. I thought I would offer a brief history of America, trying to leave out all the parts that people like to argue over.

Our story opens in 1492, when three boats were taken out into the ocean. These boats were inanimate. Perhaps even more inanimate than most boats. That means they did not make decisions about where they went or who got to ride in them or, in fact, take any sort of action that could be interpreted in a complex array of moral and ethical lights. They were just boats. They were made of wood. They were named the El Nino, the Pinata, and the Santa Claus.

These three boats sailed from a place that involves some countries that some people are currently having uncomfortable feelings about, so I will not mention it. They sailed to a place that some other people are also currently having uncomfortable feelings about, so I won’t mention it either.

But I can’t just tell you about boats.

Can I?

No, probably not.

Some people got off the boats in this place they had landed. Then some things happened.

Things continued happening until the year 1776. That’s the year that things continued to happen, but under slightly different leadership than they had been happening previously. Also, they inspired a musical.

In the year 1812, there were several Saturdays.

Between 1861 and 1865 came the years 1862, 1863, and 1864.

It wasn’t until 1929 that people could say it was no longer 1928.

In 1963, Star Trek first aired.

At the White House in 1974, some employees ate lunch.

Which, of course, brings us to modern day, which is a terrible thing to mention, so I will quickly move onto the future.

In the future, stuff will happen. Hopefully that stuff will involve hover boards.