Interviewer: I have to tell you, we’ve interviewed a lot of very promising candidates so far. What makes you think you would make a good evil queen?
Me: Well, there’s my impatience with the frailties of humans. Humanity generally annoys me greatly. Also, I’m maniacal a lot. So far that’s just been a hobby, but I’ve often thought of trying to turn it into a career.
Interviewer: Do you have any sort of super-natural powers?
Me: Umm, well, I can walk really fast. Like going the speed of a slow run, but just walking.
Interviewer: Mhmm. Any others?
Me: No. But you know, what I lack in magical powers, I make up for in passive aggressiveness.
Interviewer: Oh, that’s good. Any weaknesses? Obvious vulnerabilities to every-day items?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Interviewer: For example, the most common answer we’ve gotten is water causing people to melt. What, if it fell on you, might cause you to melt?
Me: Umm, a hot guy. And gluten. Oh, and also acid. If you were to get even a single drop of acid on me, it would burn like water.
Interviewer: Let me just make note that if we hire you, we should get rid of all our buckets of hot guys, gluten, or acid.
Me: Do you have buckets of hot guys?
Interviewer: We can get into that later.
Me: I mean, don’t get rid of ALL the buckets of hot guys just on my account. No harm in keeping one or two around. As long as they’re not in the same bucket as the gluten, I should be fine.
Interviewer: How do you feel about cursing?
Me: Personally, I don’t curse. But I understand that some cursing may be required for the job and I am open to that.
Interviewer: What I mean is casting curses on people.
Me: Oh, I get it. Well, same answer.
Interviewer: Are you currently employed?
Me: Well, I’m a blogger.
Interviewer: Is it an evil blog?
Me: Not per se, although I did once advise people to grow marijuana on their whaling ships, but that was for tax purposes.
Interviewer: Do you have an arch enemy? Someone who thinks you are pure evil and loathes to be in the same room with you?
Me: Absolutely. I used to work in customer service.
Interviewer: I see. You may be overqualified in that regard. My concern is what happens if all those people who think you’re evil attack you at once?
Me: That’s where the fast-walking skills would really come in handy.
Interviewer: So, you’d just walk away from problems?
Me: Practically running away.
Interviewer: And what sort of salary would you be expecting?
Me: Well, I’d be comfortable starting out with your first-born child and a month of vacation time.
Interviewer: That can probably be arranged. Do you have any questions for me?
Me: Yes, I’m concerned about the vision package that comes with the insurance. When I think of most evil queens, there’s a lot that they should have seen coming, but didn’t. Is the vision plan not very good?
Interviewer: It’s not that the vision plan itself isn’t good, because frankly we have a very good plan. The problem lies more in that eye doctors keep getting turned into toads. So finding one who isn’t a toad in-network can be a little tricky.
Me: How soon would I be starting?
Interviewer: Well, the current evil queen’s adopted daughter has just turned 18.
Me: So pretty soon?
Interviewer: I would think so. We’ll be in touch with you either way to let you know our decision.
Me: Excellent. If I don’t hear from you within the week, I’ll gather some henchman and come raid the village.
Interviewer: I look forward to it.