So I’m famous now. Possibly. Until I’m told otherwise.
It all started when I was at Walmart.
Unless you’re going to yell at me for shopping at Walmart. In which case, I was at Menards.
Unless you don’t know what Menards is. In which case, I was Steve’s Great Emporium of Stuff.
Unless you know that isn’t a real place. In which case, shut up.
So I was at Walmart, just being myself. I am generally incredibly observant, but sometimes when I’m in the midst of writing a novel, I get very stuck inside my own brain and sometimes this causes me to forget the external world exists. Then I start talking out loud to myself, sometimes arguing, sometimes laughing at my own jokes. Occasionally I bump into things that are generally considered easy to avoid, like walls of the store.
I was in one of those stupors while walking around Walmart, which is why I failed to notice the film crew. I don’t know if they were filming a news report, an employee training video, or perhaps a real Hollywood movie (Not likely since I don’t live in Canada, which is where all the real Hollywood movies are made).
What I do know is that I had managed to wander back and forth through the area they were filming about six times, talking to myself the whole way, before I noticed the camera crew, stage lights, microphones, etc.
Embarrassed, I quickly finalized my purchases and left.
I regret this because I realized later that, whatever it was they were filming, I ended up with a fairly significant role in it. I probably have a good ten minutes of screen time in their film. Eleven, if they captured that minute I spent on the floor after I tripped over a particularly thick patch of air.
But now I will never know what sort of character I inadvertently played. It’s left entirely up to my imagination.
If it was an employee training video, I imagine my character would be the example of what NOT to do as an employee. The camera would focus in on me and the narrator voice would say in a stern voice:
“Susan has been assigned to sort the snow shovels, but she doesn’t know where they are. Does Susan ask a supervisor? No. Susan just wanders around uselessly, talking to herself, wasting precious time while customers are left trying to sort through rows and rows of poorly sorted snow shovels. Don’t be like Susan!”
I’m going to have to go back and see how well the snow shovels are organized. I could be having a positive impact on the world and not even know it.
They might have been filming the next James Bond film. I don’t think they’ve settled on a lead actor yet, but they might have begun pre-production filming. I hope in that case that they make my character a Bond girl. I could be Miss Daisy Dandconfused, a well-meaning but clueless lady. I was fully-clothed while wandering Walmart, but they can easily CG me into a bikini. And they can use that footage of me tripping over nothing for my death scene (because Bond girls, like tsetse flies, don’t have long life expectancies).
My point is I probably have already developed a fan base and am rumored to be dating both Matt Damon and his brother Steve Damon. I’m trying to develop some sort of addiction so I will fit seamlessly into the celebrity crowd. Then I can bask in the love and support of my fans as I stay a while in rehab.
Which brings me to my second point: does anybody know the best place to attend rehab for waffle addiction?
So, if you happen to see a film of any kind and in the background, you see a confused looking person wandering aimlessly, let me know how I did. It might be some of my best work!