They say there are 5 love languages.  They are:

-Acts of Service

-Quality time

-Lousy time

-Pacific time

-Mountain Standard time

-Physical touch

-Sense of smell

-Hearing a clatter

-Springing from bed to see what was the matter










-Preheat oven to 350 degrees

-Call the dentist


-Rinse and repeat

-I’ve forgotten what I was listing

Out of all of those, my love language is probably touch.  Well, it’s really a variation on touch.  My love language is wading up a piece of paper and throwing it at your face.  It never failed in the 3rd grade, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t still work in my 30’s.

And yet I’m still single.

Really my way is like 4 out of the 5 love languages all at once.  Not only is it touch, it’s quality time (that paper didn’t just painstakingly wad itself up), gift giving (I always let people keep anything I chuck at their face), and acts of service (isn’t “service” what it’s called in tennis when they hit the ball at you?  So it’s like that kind of service.)  And if I just took the time to write words of affection on the paper before crumpling and throwing it, it would be all 5 love languages.

My kind of words of affection

But I also thought of a few love languages they overlooked.

Competition.  Nothing like a winner-take-all battle to bring out those 3 little words couples just don’t say often enough: “In your face!”

Laughing so hard at their jokes, you shoot milk out your nose.  You may not even be that funny, but I am committed enough to this relationship to drench my sinuses with dairy products.

And last, but certainly not least, the most universal of all love languages:


What I’m trying to say is I love you.  Also, tell your friends to read my blog so I can love language them, too.

Just don’t say it like that or they may get weirded out.