The Olympics started recently. I can’t tell you exactly when because I have been stage managing a play and only just now was able to finish my escape-tunnel out of the theater for a quick break.

While I wait for them to find me and drag me back to the theater, I’m watching Olympic highlights.

The Olympics are important because they are a time for us to set aside our differences and come together as a world for a little friendly competition. That competition is what country can design the ugliest outfits for their athletes to wear during the opening ceremonies. America is always a very strong contender.

Every 4 years before the summer Olympics, we pay Ralph Lauren loads of money to go down into his basement and pull out the exact same blazers the athletes wore the previous Olympics. This strategy works well because every time, it’s been 4 years longer since blazers were in style.

My theory: Ralph Lauren has a crush on JK Rowling and that’s why he always dresses the athletes like they’re on their way to Hogwarts.

But the Olympics isn’t just for athletes. The Olympics is also a time for all the spectators to come up with ridiculous conspiracies to be upset about. The Olympics are always plagued with real problems like government corruption, the doping of athletes, and concern over the local mosquitoes and what will happen should they suck the blood of all those doped up athletes.

mosquito roid rage

But those aren’t the kind of scandals that interest people. We’re much more concerned with things like why were the American athletes wearing the colors of the Russian flag for the opening ceremonies? Has the US Olympic team secretly sworn allegiance to Putin? Is Russia about to invade?

The answer is of course that it was not supposed to be the colors of the Russian flag, but just the colors red, white, and blue.

Why red, white, and blue?

Obviously red, white, and blue are the colors of not only the Russian flag, but of another well-known flag. I am referring to the flag of the Cook Islands, who are running a long campaign to slowly take over America. Ever wonder why there’s so many cooking shows on TV these days? Subliminal propaganda to make you feel good about the Cook Islands.

You should be concerned.

Even more concerned than you are about Brazilian mosquitoes with roid rage.