I’d like to talk extensively about Australia.



Let’s begin!

Australia: All the poisonous things are there.

And that about sums it up.

There’s really not much more you can say about Australia. Sure, there’s the Sydney Opera House, but nobody goes there anymore because it turns out that even the opera singers in Australia are poisonous. Just a single bite from a baritone can kill a human within 80-100 years. Don’t believe me? I defy you to find an account of a single person who’s been bitten by an opera singer and gone on to live more than 100 years after that.

I rest my case.

Even big, tough creatures at the top of the food chain are afraid to go to Australia. Have you ever seen a Godzilla movie that took place in Australia? The answer to that is no. I know because I checked on Google. That is the kind of thorough, fact-checking blogger I am! The only thing I found was a trailer for a Japanese Godzilla movie being released in Australia last October where, I might add, Godzilla was noticeably absent from the premier.

Because even Godzilla is afraid to go to Australia! He knows that he could be trouncing through the streets, causing utter destruction and noticing how the toilets flush the opposite direction down there, when he is without warning stung by a microscopic organism that is so poisonous, you die 10 seconds before you actually get stung.

I rest my case again.

Everything in Australia is deadly poisonous, down to the last adorable Koala bear. That’s why they don’t have petting zoos in Australia (Don’t Google that one. Just trust me.) Even the livestock will kill you.

Maybe back in Pangaea, before the continents had separated, humans cornered all the poisonous things in one area, then set off explosives, pushing that piece of land away from everything else and thinking the problem was solved. Humans would never be crazy enough to try to go and live there.

But what those early humans forgot was that humans are extremely forgetful.

And so people ended up living there. And then they developed a sexy accent to try and trick other humans into coming and living there.  But don’t let yourself be sucked in.  It is a scientific fact that every year more Australians die in Australia than anywhere else in the world. (I didn’t Google that one, but I’m willing to bet big money that it’s accurate!)

I guess there is one other fact about Australia, and that is that it’s the largest island in the world.

An island, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, is a landmass that is completely surrounded by water, much like this:


And this:


And all of this:


But different, apparently. Because none of those are islands.

Because islands are small.

Except for Australia.

If an island is too big, we just call it a continent and not an island.

Except for Australia.

I’m starting to think we make a few too many exceptions for Australia. Obviously the guy who declares things islands is on Australia’s payroll.  Which is why that guy should be impeached and I should be elected the new Chairman of Declaring Things Islands. For one thing, I have a Liberal Arts Degree, which means I already go around declaring things with little-to-no basis to do so. So I am certainly qualified.

For another thing, it is unethical for Australia to pay this guy millions – if not billions – of dollars to maintain their “World’s Biggest Island” status. As a professional blogger, Australia could buy me off for much, much less.  We’re talking $55 and a year’s supply of Dr. Pepper. Or a puppy.

I think people are afraid to call Australia on their obviously fake island status for fear that Australia will send some of their poisonous things to attack.

Well, I’m not afraid.

You know what, Australia? You’re either a big island or a small continent. You can’t be both, apparently, for scientific classification reasons I have never understood!

And for the love of Pete, call an exterminator! How are any of you still alive?!

And if you want to send me poisonous things, my address is:

1234 Absolutely Real Street
French Bread, Quebec, Canada 90210.

But the real reason I wanted to talk about Australia today was so that I would have a seamless segue into promoting my new article recently published on Listverse: “10 Laws, Rules, and Regulations for Extraterrestrial Contact”, in which, I hope you will notice, Australia is not mentioned even once. Enjoy!