Credit Card Rep: Hello.  I’m calling because we noticed some suspicious activity on your card recently.
Me: Oh no! What happened? Did someone steal my identity?
Rep: Someone purchased 72 pens online with your card.
Me: Oh. Uh…is that unusual?
Rep: It’s very strange. What kind of nut-job would buy 72 pens? What would anyone normal do with that many pens?
Me: Well…maybe whoever it was really likes that kind of pen. And maybe the store was having a really great sale on the pens. And maybe if the person bought 72 of the pens, shipping would be free.
Rep: I think we’re really dealing with very disturbed individual.
Me: Hey! Don’t say that about…whoever did this. Personally, I think we’re dealing with a very savvy shopper who, admittedly, may have an unhealthy attachment to office supplies, but who are we to judge? Besides if you think about it not like 72 pens, but as 18 packs of 4 pens each, it doesn’t sound quite so crazy, right? Right?
Rep: . . . Ma’am, did you buy all those pens?
Me: I do a lot of writing. I even get published in magazines sometimes.
Rep: Oh, you make money as a writer?
Me: I didn’t say that. I’m more of a starving artist. Especially when you factor in my pen and notebook expenses.
Rep: Okay, well, I think we can let this go if you’ll just agree to not buy any more pens for a while.
Me: But what if they write in really pretty purple ink…
Rep: <click>

(The next day)

Me: (opening front door) Hi. Can I help you?
Guy: I just wanted to tell you that you’re a real jerk!
Me: Do I know you?
Guy: No. I’m the guy who stole the package off your porch today.
Me: What? Why?
Guy: It’s my career. It’s the best I could do with my degree.
Me: Wait a minute! Were you a liberal arts major?
Guy: Yeah?
Me: Me, too! That’s cool! But you really shouldn’t steal people’s stuff.
Guy: Don’t get all judgy. You’re a worse person than I am!
Me: What?
Guy: There I am, driving thru the neighborhood when I see a nice big box on your porch. I’m thinking it’s electronics or designer handbags. At the very least, maybe some new hardcover books. So I grab it and drive all the way across town to my house. That’s when I open up my treasure box and what do I find? Not electronics! Not fancy tools! Not even fidget spinners! But 18 boxes of freaking pens!
Me: (clapping excitedly) My pens!
Guy: So I’m asking myself, who would buy that many pens? No one! No one in their right mind buys 72 pens!
Me: Have you been talking to my credit card rep? Because you sound just like her.
Guy: That’s when I realized that you must have done this on purpose. You were just messing with me all along. You purposefully bought a crazy amount of pens just so I’d think it was something valuable and waste my day stealing what turned out to be nothing but cheap, stupid pens!
Me:(grabbing my package of pens) Hey! You can say whatever you want about me, but you do not insult my pens! If you’re going to act all unappreciative, then I won’t let you steal any more of my packages!
Guy: If you’re going to buy insane amounts of office supplies, then I don’t want any of your stupid packages!
Me: Good!
Guy: Great!
Me: Fine!!
Guy: Fine!!
Me: (Slamming the door) Don’t listen to him, Pens! We’re not crazy!
Pens: Of course you’re not crazy! We love you, Veronica!
Me: (Laying all my pens out and joyously swimming through them)
Pens: . . . Okay, you may be a little bit crazy.

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