There are exceptions to every rule. Including that one.
Here are some examples of other rules that have exceptions:
- Cheaters never prosper.
- All babies are adorable.
- You should never lie to your doctor.
- Don’t get revenge on your ex-boyfriend by filling his car with pudding.
All of those rules have exceptions. For the purposes of wasting your time (let’s face it, you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t trying to do that), let’s examine one of these rules and its exception.
Take the last one, for example.
Actually, I probably shouldn’t talk about that one. Not until the court case is settled.
Take the second to last one, for example.
You should never lie to your doctor because your life is in their hands. Which, if you knew what was on their TiVo would probably be a much more horrifying realization.
Exception to this rule: Dentists.
You probably weren’t thinking about dentists as doctors. But actually all dentists are doctors, while not all doctors are competent.
It’s okay to lie to your dentist. Why? Because he knows you’re lying before you even open your mouth. Which is especially impressive because your mouth is usually already open when he enters the room, as someone you hope is the dental hygienist (and not just another bored patient from the lobby) scrapes pointy metal sticks against your teeth.
If dentists believed their patients, they wouldn’t even have to look inside your mouth. They could just ask you questions over the phone, all while horrible drill noises are coming from the background because, much like Jaws who can’t go anywhere without his theme music, dentists can’t go anywhere without drill noises. That’s why dentists don’t make good spies. (Exception: James Bond. Bet you didn’t know he was a dentist. His parents insisted he have a back-up career in case a recession impacted the sexy man spy business.)
If your dentist wanted the truth, he wouldn’t ask you. Dentists are a lot like lawyers: they only ask questions they already know the answers to, hoping to catch you in a lie:
Dentist: Are you flossing?
You: Of course! You told me to last time.
Dentist: How often?
You: You actually wouldn’t shut up about it during my last visit.
Dentist: No, I mean how often are you flossing?
You: Ohhh…you know………..two or three….…………….hundred times………………………a day.
Dentist: I see. Then perhaps you can explain to the jury why I discovered over 3 million different species of germs thriving in the plaque between your teeth?
(The jury gasps!)
Judge: I order a 5 minute recess so the defense can rinse and spit.
But it’s not all bad being a dentist. They maintain the distinction of being the only people who can ask you how often you’re flossing. It doesn’t matter how close you are with someone. You can’t just walk up and ask someone that question, whether they’re strangers or loved ones.
Exception to the rule: Michael Phelps.
I’m not sure why, but I feel like Michael Phelps could walk up to anyone, ask how often they floss, then swim away. Even if there’s no water.
In conclusion…, actually I don’t have a conclusion. That’s all the funny things I can think of to say about dentists. So I guess I’ll just stand here and make drill noises until you go away.
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