Now that we’re past the horror that is Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start thinking ahead to the next important holiday: Christmas.

And of course you can’t have Christmas without Black Friday.  At least not legally in most North American countries.

Black Friday was named after one of Britain’s famous dukes, Duke Steve “Black” Friday, who was known to shove people down when he saw a bargain. His memory is honored every year on the day after Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the day he died tragically trying to pull the last half-price TV from a brontosaurus. (I should mention Duke “Black” Friday was one of the first dukes ever)(and that he invented the first TV.)(Don’t be impressed; it could barely handle 3D.)

(And now that fact is on the internet, so it’s true!)

For those of you who have never celebrated “Black Friday”, this brief introduction may be helpful. Especially if you have a family history of brontosaurus attacks. Consult your physician before embarking on a brontosaurus attack.

dino doc
“Yes, it is my professional opinion that this man is healthy enough to get attacked by a brontosaurus.”

The first step to Black Friday is to sneak out of the house. You don’t want to wake up all the relatives who have gathered to celebrate the holidays with the ones they love most and have also sworn to strangle if woken before noon.

But family is not the only life-threatening obstacle you will face today, although they may be the most dangerous because they know where you live.

The second step is determining which stores you want to be at when.  The correct answer is: All of them, Right now. (Did I mention you should have yourself cloned several weeks before Black Friday?  I meant to mention that.)

If for some reason you encounter difficulty in getting yourself cloned, you may have to depend on your most loyal friends to help you. (Did I mention you should get yourself some loyal friends several weeks before Black Friday?)

You will need to get to the stores before most of the shoppers. How early you arrive depends on how big a city you live in.  Take the total population, divide this number by 60, and that is how many hours you need to arrive before the store opens. This may mean missing Thanksgiving all together (as well as the 4th of July) to stand in line, but you know as well as I that Christmas is only 30 days away and you are going to need the other 29 days to start getting ready for Easter.

No matter what size city you live in, there is going to be to a whole lot of waiting. A good shopper is always prepared. A great way to do this is to mug a Boy Scout. Just first make sure he’s not one of your loyal friends.  Or a brontosaurus.

Also remember to bring something that can be used as a weapon in case you have to defend your spot in line. An umbrella works well. So does a 6 inch sharpened knife. If you find you’ve forgotten to bring a weapon, try to make one. Prisoners can make a shiv out of anything, and you are much more desperate than they are. For them it’s life and death. For you, it’s a possible 80% off retail price. In fact, in some states it is legal to kill someone for anything above 65% off. Part of your preparation should be checking the manslaughter laws in your area and, if they’re strict, perhaps thinking of some way to frame the person in front of you.

And that’s about it. Waiting is really the main part of Black Friday. All that’s left after the waiting is the pushing, punching, biting, insulting, threatening, confronting, arresting, sentencing, and going down in your permanent record.

We hope you found this helpful. Or entertaining. Or passable. Or at the very least, you have to admit it’s the most helpful Black Friday article you’ve read in February that involved brontosauruses.

This has been a paid message from the Brontosaurus Counsel.