Award Season is upon us and there is of yet no known cure for it. The best thing you can do is hunker down, drink lots of fluids, and avoid the internet. But it’ll be over soon. The Oscars are this week. Maybe next week. Possibly last week. I don’t honestly know. But they either were or will have been recently.

Some people actually like the Oscars and so in the sake of panderment, I’ve decided to do a movie overview of the nominated films.

Spoiler Alert: I have seen almost none of these movies, so any similarity between my comments and the real movie is pure coincidence.

The Big Short. As a short person, I find this title mocking and offensive. It stars Steve Carell and Christian Bale, so I’m assuming it’s the story of Batman facing his weirdest villain yet, the Goofy Office Manager. Also starring Brad Pitt, which means, if history is any indication, he will be leaving Angelina Jolie for his co-star (Christian Bale, I guess).

Bridge of Spies. Tom Hanks stars as a guy in a life-threatening situation, causing a lot of introspection on his part, a role he hasn’t taken on since every other movie he’s been in ever. At least he’s finally broken out of being type-cast as his character in the TV show “Bosom Buddies” (where he played a man who dressed up as a woman in a life-threatening situation, causing a lot of introspection on his part).

Brooklyn. A young woman sets out to bravely blah blah blah, how the heck do you say the actress’ name? Saoirse? How many of those vowels am I supposed to pronounce? And given that it’s a Gaelic name, how many of those vowels am I supposed to pronounce like consonants? The only reason to watch the Oscars is to see how many different ways this actress’ beautiful name gets screwed up. I hope she wins a lot.

Mad Max. As I actually saw this movie, I don’t feel qualified to talk about it. But it seems to me to be a look into the male psyche: Souped-up cars/motorcycles, harems, explosions, spurting blood, car chases, and guitars that are also flame throwers played by guys in footie-pajamas with no eyeballs. I’ll hand this one over to our guest-commentator, Freud.

Freud: That’s weird.

Yes. Yes it is. This is why I don’t date anymore.

Carol the Danish Girl. A story about a woman who loves another woman who is actually a man who wants to be a woman. This plot is as confusing as that Joy Trumbo movie, about a woman who wants to get into business for herself, so she becomes a middle-aged male Communist screenwriter. Spoiler alert: Cate Blanchett deserves an Oscar for her portrayal of Eddie Redmayne.

The Revenant. The origin story of an old west super-hero. Leonardo DiCaprio is the Revenant. (What the heck is a revenant? Is it like a bat?) If this movie wins enough awards, they may make the sequel where the Revenant goes evil for a while, but then he gets sent back in time and changes the whole time-line so it never happens. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

Ex Machina. It’s okay to treat a woman as a sex object if that woman is playing a robot. If there’s a loophole to human-dignity, Hollywood will find it!

InsideOut. Not sweet Bing Bong! He can’t disappear! He was so wonderful! Why? WHY?!? *sob* (No, I haven’t seen it. Why do you ask?)

45 Years. A documentary about how much time there is between when a production company releases the first movie trailer and the release date of the movie.

Fifty Shades of Making Writers Everywhere Vomit. I don’t have an opinion on this film.

The Martian. A hilarious romp through comedy-gold that is death on Mars. Matt Damon hits all the slap-stick pinnacles: starvation, bloody impalement, and suffocation! Classic! (No, seriously. It’s been categorized a comedy because the guy who categorizes movies for award shows hasn’t seen them either).

Spotlight. A contender against the Martian for Best Comedy.

Star Wars 7. J.J. Abrams’ Wattpad fan-fic. This indie film was too small to get Hollywood’s notice. Except for the editing, which is really what everyone talks about non-stop when this film comes up. (Although, you have to admit that it is better edited than parts 1-3 in which Jar Jar was accidentally edited into the movies).

Sicario. Gesundheit.

Uh-oh. Do you hear that? It’s the music that signifies I’m going on too long. Or possibly that I just got a text.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2B: Or Not 2B.

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