(Or Not 2B)

Welcome back to my deep analysis of Oscar-nominated movies I haven’t seen! So far my only prediction is that Saoirse Ronan will win lots of awards merely for the comedic factor of people attempting to read her name off a teleprompter. Because the Oscar Committee knows comedy when they see it. Like The Martian.

The Good Dinosaur. One day Disney woke up and decided to make a Dreamwork’s movie, complete with painfully flat characters traipsing through a forced plot full of age-inappropriate humor (“Mommy, what does ‘drowned him in his own blood’ mean?”). This movie also has the most amazing, photograph-like computer animated background scenery of the beautiful mid-west that will leave viewers breathless. Unfortunately the hastily-scribbled characters keep getting in the way of what you really want to look at. (Okay, I may have seen this one, too, and it isn’t even nominated for anything, but I wanted to complain about it.)

Spectre. You have to hand it to Sean Connery that he’s still making James Bond movies at his age! I just saw an ad for this and he looks younger than he did in the Hunt for Red October. Maybe it’s because he shaved the beard.

The Hunting Ground. This documentary about rape on college campuses has only been nominated for one award, Best Original Song, in which it is competing with Fifty Shades of Grey. Because if there’s one thing the Oscar Committee knows, it’s that you can’t spell “awkward” without “award”.

Well, that was uncomfortable. Hey, look! Puppies!

puppy swing (360x640)

Steve Jobs. A biographical movie about that guy who helped Al Gore invent the internet.

Push (the one starring Dakota Fanning and Chris Evans). One of the best movies ever, it was overlooked by this year’s Oscar committee solely on the basis that it was released in 2009.

Room. A deep look into the question: how cheap can we make a movie? Well, if we film it in your cousin’s shed and the actors bring their own clothes for costumes, probably pretty cheap. Like $500 million.

45 Years. A documentary about how much time there is between when a production company releases the first movie trailer and the release date of the movie.

Creed. Another point for Sean Connery that he’s still playing Rocky Balboa at his age!

Straight Outta Compton. Turns out I’m so straight-laced, I don’t just avoid things with the parental-advisory mark on it, but anything that resembles the parental-advisory mark. When I was in the movie theater and they showed a preview for this movie, I covered my eyes and shouted, “I need an adult!” And thus I got thrown out of the theater so I didn’t get to see the laugh-riot that is The Martian, either.

Cinderella. Everyone knows the basic story of Cinderella, but Disney uses their creativity, magic, and big-budget to tell the basic story of Cinderella. Sean Connery stars as Cate Blanchett playing Eddie Redmayne in this one. Good for him!

The Hateful Eight. Kill Bill in old west clothes. No, wait, that was Django Unchained. This is Kill Bill in old west clothes in a haberdashery. But good for Quentin Tarantino to still be a teenage boy at his age…I guess.

All the documentaries. A tragic look at stuff. Really makes you think, while feeling horribly depressed.

All the foreign language films. They were all great. Of course I watched them. What kind of person would I be if I watched SpongeBob reruns so frequently that I could quote them, but didn’t expose myself to some high-brow foreign films I won’t understand? (Answer: This blog)

All the other animated films. There were other animated films?

I hope this has given you enough of an understanding that, come the day after the Oscars, you can be as outraged as your movie-fan friends about the results of the Oscars.

I wonder if Cate Blanchett has ever considered playing Sean Connery?