Homeopathic medicine is becoming more mainstream these days. The number of people practicing homeopathic medicine is growing, largely because we’ve stopped burning them at the stake lately.

Now we just mock them on the internet.

What is “Homeopathy”? It is a mix of two words:

-Home, because you treat yourself with things commonly found in your own home and

-Psychopathy, because people think that’s what you have when you announce you have gone the homeopathic route, picturing you in a pointy hat, stirring dandelions and Omega 3 into a bubbling cauldron.

But that’s not what it’s really like. I know, being myself a Level 34 Homeopathic Wizard.

Why don’t I go to a doctor like a sane person, you ask?

I’ve tried that. All my doctor appointments went very much like this:

Doctor: You’re pregnant.

Me: I haven’t even told you my symptoms yet.

Doctor: Oh, sorry. What are your symptoms?

Me: Well, I was shot yesterday and…

Doctor: You’re pregnant.

Me: I’m not pregnant. If you look, you can see my organs oozing out of my…

Doctor: (Checking my chart) But it says here you’re a woman.

Me: (Checking to make sure my bosoms are still there) Yes.

Doctor: So, you are pregnant then.

Me: (Handing doctor my liver) Maybe you could just run some tests on my liver while it’s conveniently on the outside of me.

Doctor: (Googling “What is a liver?”)

In short, I feel you will get better results from WebMD than from your average doctor:

WebMD: What are your symptoms?

Me: Well, I was shot two days ago and I’ve been bleeding out.  Plus, I never got my liver back from that doctor…

WEbMD: You have the black plague and/or pregnancy.

So I stopped going to doctors. Luckily I had some alternative options.

Then my veterinarian friend told me it would be illegal for her to be my doctor, even if I dress like a dalmatian. (Sidenote: Most insurance plans will not cover dalmatian costumes.)

And I wrote my cousin and asked her how dead someone has to be before she can give them a physical or “autopsy” or whatever it’s called when she as a mortician does it. She never got back to me.

Then I finally found an intelligent doctor I liked. That is until Netflix stopped carrying Doctor Who. (Insurance also refused to reimburse me for my Netflix subscription. What do I even have insurance for?)

And that’s when I switched to homeopathic medicine.

Now I use things like turmeric to help me feel better. Turmeric, you ask? Like the powdered seasoning?

Yes! But instead of buying the $2.99 powdered seasoning, I buy it in pill form for $40. But what makes my pills of turmeric so much better than your powdered turmeric is…that…um…mine is prescription-strength turmeric, I guess.

My mom is actually the one who got me started in homeopathy. She suggested I try an Epsom salt bath. She told me to fill a bath with hot water, poor in the salts, baking soda, and if I wanted, a few drops of vanilla or cinnamon sticks for scent. In retrospect, she may have been trying to bake me.

But it seems to be helping. I have not had to return to a doctor and be told I’m pregnant in a while. Consequently, my levels of pent-up aggression have gone down as well. (Believe me, this post could have been WAY more bitter!) And my insurance company stopped sending me “Cease and Desist” letters that claimed all my pregnancies were going to bankrupt the company.

So everyone’s happy.

If you’ll excuse me, it’s the witching hour, which is when I take my Vitamin C.