Themeless Writing

There are only 2 certainties in life: Death and taxes.

EXCEPT NOT THIS YEAR!

This year one of those things is no longer the certainty it was! And it’s not the one you would have preferred be less certain!

I was going to write a blog post about how to do your taxes the day AFTER April 15th. You see how that would be entertaining? It’s funny because it’s impractical.

But the government had the last laugh. Apparently taxes aren’t due on Tax Day this year. This year, they’re not due until the 18th, possibly not even of April!

Comedy is all about timing, Government! You’re ruining my punchline.

*Sigh*

But the show must go on.

And so I will offer my tax advice well before your taxes are due, when you could still conceivably take my tax advice and thus end up in jail. And I would feel just nearly awful about that. But not bad enough to not give you horrible tax advice.

I consulted with a tax adviser on my tax deductions this year.

He replied, and I quote, “You’d have to be crazy to take these deductions.”

Done and done.

Here are a few of my favorite deductions I took advantage of this year (all based on factual, little-known tax deductions):

As a blogger, I do a lot of maintenance to my whaling ship. That’s why most of my tax deductions are from the really-really-true 2004 ruling that decided whalers could claim deductions for ships, tools, maintenance, and supplies for their crew, up to $10,000. Me and my crew hit that number easily. My first mate needs a lot of puppy toys to keep her at the top of her game.

The best part is that this $10,000 is deductible not as a business expense, but as charitable contribution.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why is whaling considered a charity?”

Wait…that was really what you were thinking? I was not expecting that. That has thrown me off my game a little.

See? First tax day is late and then my blog posts start making sense and then apocalypse. And not the cool kind where we all dress up in leather and ride motorcycles through the desert. More like apocalypse where there’s nothing but polyester and everybody has to ride segways, which do not do well on sand, so we all have to stay on the sidewalks.

But I will tell you why whaling is considered a charity. Because without whalers, Star Trek 4 makes no sense. And everyone loves Star Trek 4.

However, whaling is also mostly illegal in the United States. That is why I only use my whaling ship as a grow site for marijuana.

Speaking of smoking, stopping smoking is also tax deductible. Of course, smoking is also a very expensive habit. So I recommend when you take up smoking (Do you want the tax deduction or not?) that you smoke only one cigarette and then work on quitting smoking for the next two hundred years of your life. (Now that you don’t smoke, I’m assuming you’re gonna live longer.)(And as long as you’re getting a tax deduction, you might as well live a lot longer!)

Vehicles that plug-in are also tax deductible. This deduction used to make me feel left out. First of all, because my parents never bought me a Power Wheels as a child. Secondly, because I have an energy efficient car, just not one that plugs-in.

I have a prius.

No, not the cool, modern car you are thinking of.

I have an original model prius. With a tape deck.

I upgraded to a tape deck because the phonograph impeded my vision while driving.

My prius is so old and has so many miles on it, I took a sharpie and wrote “B.C.” by the odometer. Now as I watch the numbers roll ever higher, I can imagine I’m traveling over 252,000 years back in time. It makes me feel better about my car.

But I still get amazing mileage to the gallon and save myself hundreds of dollars a year on gas, and that deserves a tax break, dang it!

Then I realized that, the way I read the tax code (skimming summaries of it on the internet during commercial breaks), it doesn’t specify WHAT my car has to plug-in to.

So every morning when I get up, I plug the special adapter into my car’s lighter. Then I plug the adapter into an extension cord, and I plug the extension cord into my waffle iron and I make waffles at a rate of over 40 waffles to the gallon. (That’s on the highway. In city limits, it’s more like 32 waffles/gallon. But when I’m not trying to drive at the same time, it’s even better.)

And then the first mate on my whaling ship eats all the waffles. She always has the munchies for some reason.

Excuse me, but I smell a business expense!

Happy Tax Season to all and to all a Good Rebate!