People often ask me, “Veronica, did you conduct a hostile Paleo takeover of your household?”

To which I say, “No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owhy do you ask?”

“Because you’re throwing away all those frozen waffles.”

“That’s…because…I thought…they…were…part of the last recall.”

“Wasn’t that recall for frozen vegetables?”

“Yes. You know how tomatoes are secretly fruit? Turns out waffles are secretly a vegetable.”

“Are you lying?”

“So’s your face!”

As good as I am at deception, I eventually have to admit that yes, I did in fact catch the Paleo diet. It shouldn’t be that big a surprise, given the sort of reckless dietary restrictions I willingly participate in. I’m gluten intolerant (example: I wouldn’t vote for a gluten to be president, no matter what party it belonged to), so I already eat gluten-free.  And that is the gateway drug to Paleo.

Having been Paleo for upwards of an hour now, I have become an expert and will explain it to you.

“Paleo” is “short” for “paleolithic”, which is Greek.

Or Latin.

Possibly Danish.

Probably not Korean.

Paleolithic is a combination of two words: “Paleo”, meaning coconut oil, and “Lithic”, meaning zucchini noodles.

Back in the Paleolithic period – the time of dinosaurs, Archimedes, and Yahoo – people were much healthier than we are now. Don’t believe me? Just look at these graphs:

Paleo graphs

Clearly diet is the most determinative part of what kept paleolithic man so much healthier than we are now.

So what sort of thing did paleolithic man eat? Apparently large amounts of coconut oil and zucchini noodles. Stir fry it with a little pterodactyl meat and you’ve got a meal.

In the Paleo diet, all foods fall into one of four categories:

          1. Foods you shouldn’t eat

          2. Foods you REALLY shouldn’t eat

          3. Foods you can eat on very special occasions

          4. Bacon

That’s right, you can eat bacon on Paleo. LOTS of bacon. All the bacon you want. Just look at this quote from the definitive book on Paleo:

“While bacon is technically Paleo, I…recommend eating very much of it.”

(He said some more stuff in the middle there that I omitted for clarity and so that it would support my claim)

You have to use bait to get people to join a group they otherwise wouldn’t want to. Some time-share salesmen offer free hotel stays. Some religions offer things like 72 virgins in Heaven (or in Scientology’s case, 72 Tom Cruises). Paleo’s bait is bacon. It’s the only diet that allows you to eat bacon for seven meals a day and still be perfectly within the confines of your diet. Sure, I can’t eat pizza, but I can eat bacon in the shape of pizza.

And of course I can also eat all the coconut oil I want. Turns out, that isn’t very much.

So really, when I say I’ve gone Paleo, what I mean is I’ve finally given up other foods that aren’t bacon.

And when my doctor says, “You have to eat more than just bacon.”

I say, “I’m healthier than I’ve ever been!”

Then he says, “You have scurvy.”

I say, “Fruit isn’t Paleo.”

He says, “Yes it is.”

And I say, “So’s your face!”

Because human faces are technically Paleo, though you should really only eat grass-fed humans.  Like vegans.

Advertisements